Summary: The aftermath of the plane crash forces Harm to take a good look at himself, and search his soul for the choices he has made. Mac learns to live without Harm when he disappears. When reunited, Mac searches her own soul for what she really wants. This story is NC-17.

SOMEWHERE IN THE JUNGLES OF PARAGUAY 2 HOURS AFTER THE PLANE CRASHED MAY 2003

Waking up two hours after their plane had crashed, Harm looked around, frantically searching for Mac. How long had he been unconscious? He looked at his watch, but saw only broken crystal and the hour hand torn off. He called out to Mac, but got no answer. His heart felt as if it would stop. Had he killed Mac in another one of his crazy stunts? Why hadn’t he let her go with Webb? Even as his thoughts ran wild, Harmon Rabb, Jr. began to extricate himself from the wrecked confines of the plane. His six foot four frame didn’t make it easy, but ignoring the pain in his shoulder, and the sharper one in his left leg, and his head, he continued to call out to Mac.

After almost an hour, he was finally free. Once again, ignoring the physical pain, it was the emotional ache within him that gave him the strength to start looking for Mac. Where was she? Had she been thrown from the plane? Was she dea… No, he wouldn’t allow himself to even consider that possibility.

Realizing that his priority was to find Mac and get her to safety, but also aware that Saddiq’s men could be searching for them, Harm moved as quickly as his injured leg allowed. He knew he had a severe fracture, and that walking on it was a great risk, but not even the pain could keep him from Mac. It was his fault she was out here with him.

“Mac. Mac, answer me, please”, Harm called out.

The only answer he got was the sounds of the wildlife that inhabited this beautiful, yet deadly jungle near Asuncion. As the minutes turned to hours, Harm began to feel a tightening in his chest. He had to find Mac alive. He couldn’t lose her.

Harm went back to the plane and removed all the equipment which might help them, first aid kits, water canteens, a basket of food that the Mennonite farmer must have kept in there, along with blankets and other useful items. Harm set out, determined to find Mac, or die trying. He had to find her, despite the worsening pain in his leg, which he ignored.

“Sarah”, Harm called out. He had been looking for her for almost two hours, going in ever expanding circles to make sure he covered as much of the territory as he could. Suddenly, he stopped. Was that a whimper? Was it Mac? The sound was so faint, he thought he might have imagined it. He started walking again, calling out, and heard the faint whisper.

“Ha…Harm? Clay?” Mac’s voice was weak, but Harm followed it. He kept repeating her first name over and over, until he found her, her sprawled body unseen due to the density of trees, flowers, shrubs and rocks. She must have been thrown from the plane with extreme force to cause her to land this far, or she had crawled to safety. “Sarah”, Harm called out, falling on his knees to examine her, to see how badly she was injured. He smiled warily, noting that she was still wearing the pregnancy suit.

“Ha…Harm, is it really you? Am I just dreaming.” Mac’s voice got stronger with each word she spoke. Her next words made Harm’s heart break into a million pieces, making it bleed from within. “Where’s Clay? Is he all right? Is he alive?”

‘Easy, Mac,” Harm said, wrapping his arms around her and trying to pull her out from the area that had been both her shelter and her prison. He ignored the pain in his leg.

“Where’s Clay”, Mac asked again, finally pulling out. She didn’t ask if Harm was okay.

“Gunny took him to the hospital. I can’t honestly tell you how he is, Mac, but I promise to get you to him as soon as you are able to travel.”

Harm checked Mac over, seeing only numerous abrasions, none serious, and was glad to feel no broken bones. The pregnancy outfit had shielded her from the force of the impact. He knew it would be difficult to carry her if she could not walk on her own.

“What are you doing here”, Mac asked Harm, never even realizing how her words stung at Harm, slicing his heart even deeper.

“I thought you might need me. Can you walk?’ Harm avoided looking at her.

“Just give me a few minutes and I’ll be ready to go. Harm, I didn’t mean…”

“That’s okay, Mac. You’ve been through a lot. Why don’t we rest here for a few hours, and then I’ll see if we can get us out of here. I haven’t seen any of Saddiq’s men yet.”

“We need to be watchful, but right now, I need to check on Clay”, Mac insisted, also avoiding Harm’s eyes. For some reason, her only concern was to make sure that Clayton Webb, a man whom she had hated and resented for so long, was safe.

“You aren’t going to help him if you show up looking like this, Mac. If he’s in the hospital, he is being taken care of, and you can see him soon. By the way, we destroyed the stinger missiles.” Harm said the last sentence as he walked away from her, leaving the basket of food next to her with a canteen of water and a blanket. He had cut up the pregnancy suit and made a pillow for her after cleaning out her injuries.

Making sure she was taken care of for the next few hours, Harm felt he had to put some distance between them. He was afraid of what he might say to her, and since her only concern was Webb, Harm vowed silently that he would get her to him safely.

As Mac watched Harm walk away, her thoughts were on Clay. He had saved her life, and she needed to tell him how much she appreciated what he had done. Harm’s words regarding the destruction of the stinger missiles did not register with Mac until much later, and by then, she couldn’t even see Harm, or where he had gone. Mac’s heart was torn wide open with concern for Webb and the knowledge she had hurt Harm again.

HOSPITAL IN ASCUNSION EIGHT DAYS LATER MAY 2003

Harm and Mac walked into the hospital, greeted by Gunny, who had been on his way back to search for them. Harm had half carried Mac at times, at others, he picked her up and carried her fully for miles, until the pain in his leg would force him to stop, making it impossible to go any further. They had a close encounter with Saddiq’s men, but managed to elude them. By the second day, Harm knew his leg was broken, but he did not relent on his determination to get Mac to Clay. Not wanting Mac to know of his injury, Harm wrapped it tightly, putting a piece of wood he found, and pulled his torn pants down. Unlike other times when they had faced danger together, Mac did not notice.

When nightfall came, Harm would start a fire, make sure that Mac was comfortable and fed, then he would walk off, to take care of the leg and other injuries he had incurred in the plane crash. Surprisingly, Mac never seemed to notice that Harm’s limp became more pronounced towards the end of the day, even though she did express concern for him.

Harm missed the banter that they had always enjoyed during a mission, especially when they were in this much danger, or one of them was hurt. They always looked after one another, but this time, Mac’s mind was only on Clay. Harm would not allow himself to think about it too much, his plans already formulated in his mind.

Mac’s thoughts were indeed filled with Clayton Webb, and what he done for her. He had kept her from being tortured, even possibly raped or killed. She saw him as her saviour. It was on the third night that she realized that Harm had done the same thing; only he had not been beaten within an inch of his life like Clay had been. Still, Harm had come after her, even though she knew that the admiral had probably ordered him to do so. Why are you being so hard on Harm, Mac wondered, the question in her mind surprising her. You haven’t thanked him for saving you and Webb, or acknowledged what he has done for you. Why? Is it because of Webb? Oh, God, have I fallen in love with Clay and not even realized it? It was only then that Mac became aware of Harm’s silence during the their return to Asuncion. He would only inquire about her health, about her condition, and reiterated his promise to get her back to Clay. What had she done?

Having talked very little during the eight days it took them to get back, Harm was determined to keep his promise to Mac and then go through with his own decision. It was one he knew he would have to make the minute he had witnessed the tender moment between Clay and Mac before Gunny had taken Webb

and he had taken Mac. He had never told Mac that he had resigned his commission, instead giving her ambiguous answers on the few occasions she inquired about his presence in Paraguay and Ciudad del Este and why the admiral had sent him to find her when she was on a CIA operation. The fact that Mac was willing to accept any explanation he gave her was proof to Harm that her mind was only on Clay and how soon she could get to him.

Now, weary and in severe pain, Harm felt an emptiness inside of him as they walked into the hospital knowing that he was about to do something that would either shock or please Mac very much. If her feelings for Clay went as deeply as her constant comments and concern about him seemed to indicate, then she would be pleased. Shock might come in later, but by then, she would have Clay to comfort her. He wondered how he could have misjudged her feelings so deeply during all these years. His life was about to take a drastic change and he could only hope Mac would be happy, and that he would be able to find himself once more. He also had a promise to fulfill to his commander-in-chief, one that had enabled him to come to Paraguay.

Seeing Gunny walking towards them, Mac almost ran to him.

“How is he”, Mac inquired.

“He’s going to make it, Colonel”, Gunny replied, looking at the pale look in Harm’s face.

“Can I see him”, Mac asked.

“Sir, are you okay”, Gunny asked Harm, ignoring Mac’s question.

“I’m fine, Gunny. Take the Colonel to Clay. She’s very concerned about him ”

“But Comma…Sir, you’re injured.” Gunny looked from Harm to Mac. Had she not even seen the gash on his leg, or noticed how swollen it was, Gunny wondered.

“I’m fine, Gunny. The Colonel is most anxious to see Clay. Take her to him ” Harm insisted, avoiding Mac’s questioning look.

It was only then that Mac looked at Harm. His leg was red and inflamed, his pants legs torn to accommodate the size of his leg. Before she spoke, Harm stopped her.

“Mac, Clay is waiting for you. Go to him. I’m okay.”

Mac looked at Gunny, whose obvious concern made her realize that Harm’s injury was worse than he was making it out to be. Her hesitation was enough to make Harm’s decision final.

“Sir, you need to see a doctor”, Gunny said. “Ma’am, Mr. Webb is in room 203. If you don’t mind, I’ll take the Comm…”

“Go, Mac. I’m sure that Webb is as anxious to know you are safe as you are to see him. He’s probably been as worried about you as you have about him. Go to him.”

Mac looked at Gunny, then Harm, her eyes filled with anxiety, confusion, and anger with herself for not noticing his injury earlier. Once again, Ham told her to go to Clay.

“I’ll be right back, Harm. Gunny, get a doctor to look at his leg. I’ll meet you back in emergency, okay?” Mac walked off, towards Clayton Webb’s room.

“I don’t understand, Sir. What’s going on? It’s obvious your leg is broken and you walked on it. Why?” Gunny’s bewilderment was mixed with concern.

“Mac wanted to get back to Clay, and I promised her I would get her here, Gunny. Look, just get me to a doctor before Mac gets back. I have things to do and they can’t wait.”

Gunny walked away and returned with a wheelchair. Within minutes, a doctor in the emergency room was examining Harm, confirming that he did indeed have a broken tibia, now extremely swollen, along with injuries to his left knee.

“I thought you couldn’t walk on a broken leg”, Gunny told the doctor.

“Usually, that’s true”, the doctor responded in Spanish. Turning to Harm, he spoke in English. “I’ve known only a few persons who have done it. You also have a bad fracture, which I am sure caused the leg to break. Your mission must have been rather urgent in order for you to walk on it, however minor you want to make it out to be. You will need surgery since you’ve put a great deal of pressure on it.”

“Dr. Chavez, can you just wrap it up, give me something for the pain, and let me get home? I’ll stay off of it until I see my own doctor. As for why I had to walk on it, I had a promise to keep. Please, doctor, I need to get out of here as soon as possible.” The urgency in Harm’s voice was quite obvious, especially to Gunny.

“You want to leave before the Colonel returns, don’t you”, Gunny asked him.

Harm looked at him, not answering. Instead, he looked at the doctor, once again asking if he could be given something for the pain, and be allowed to leave. With great reluctance, Dr. Chavez agreed, but not before bandaging his leg heavily and insisting that Harm be given crutches to keep his weight off his leg.

Forty-seven minutes later, Harm walked out the front door of the hospital, followed by Gunny, who was even more confused about his friend’s drastic action.

“Comm…, Mr. Rabb, why are you doing this”, Gunny asked, following Harm to a cab stand, knowing that his emotional ache was greater than his physical pain.

“The name is Harm, Gunny, not Commander, not Sir, and definitely not Mr., so please remember that. I have my reasons, Gunny. I just want you to know that I’ve enjoyed working with you again. You will be a great asset to JAG, the Marine Corps, or wherever you choose to return to, and I mean that sincerely. Thank you for your help. I don’t think I could have done any of this without you. Take care of Clay and Mac. There’s a free cab, Gunny. Thank you gain.” Harm reached out to shake Gunny’s hand. It was then that Gunny realized that Commander Harmon Rabb, Jr. was telling him goodbye. He wasn’t just leaving to return JAG, or Washington, DC, and telling him they would see each other later, Gunny realized it was a final goodbye. Damn, what had happened out in the jungle?

“What happened out there, Harm”, Gunny asked, pleasantly surprised to realize that it felt good to call him by his given name.

“Do you remember Fareeza, and how much you defended her against all the proof we gave you that she might be a spy”, Harm looked at Gunny.

“Yes.” Gunny asked, knowing exactly what Harm was doing.

“We do what we have to, don’t we, Gunny, or what our hearts tell us is right

Sometimes, we aren’t given options, and sometimes, we are too damn stubborn or stupid to see a choice when we are given one. What’s the old saying – too little, too late? Well, I think that’s the story of my life. Tell Mac…never mind. She’ll be happy now.”

“Comm…Harm, let me go with you. I don’t care where you go, I’d like to be there for you as you were there for me in Afghanistan.”

“No, Gunny, I can’t do that to you, or to your career. I’m not in the military anymore. I have no idea what I am going to be doing now. If you want to help me, don’t allow the colonel to come after me. It’s not necessary for her to know anything except that both she and Clay are safe, along with yourself, of course. I’m sorry, but I have to go now.”

Gunny watched as Harm limped to the cab, got in, and it drove off, taking away one of the finest officers the Navy had ever known. As the cab was swallowed up by distance and other traffic, so was Harmon Rabb, Jr. Gunny swallowed the hard lump in his throat. Of all the people he had ever known, of all the couples he had ever seen together, Gunny had always believed that Harm and Mac were meant for each other. If they could not make it; if the Colonel could not make up her mind about Harm and the other men who seemed to be an integral part of her life; and if Harm could not open up his heart and tell the Colonel how he felt about her, then Gunny wondered if there was such a thing as true love. He walked back inside, feeling a deep sense of loss.

CLAYTON WEBB’S HOSPITAL ROOM SAME TIME AS HARM WAS BEING TREATED MAY 2003

“Mac, you made it”, Clay said weakly when he felt her hand on his face.

“Yeah, we did. How are you, Clay? I was afraid you weren’t going to make it. I thought you were dead. Clay, how can I ever thank you for what you did for me?” “They tell me I’m going to be okay. My mother is sending a private jet to take me to Bethesda. It’ll be here tomorrow. Never mind me. How are you, Mac?” Clay held on to her hand tightly. “It’s so good to see you. No thanks are necessary.”

“It’s good to see you, too, Clay. I’ve been so worried about you. That’s all I’ve thought about these last few days.” Her presence seemed to give him strength.

“How did you get…I forgot. Harm got us out, didn’t he? Damn!”

“What’s that supposed to mean”, Mac said, sliding her hand out of Clay’s.

Clay looked away from her, avoiding her eyes. He had confessed his love for her, laying his heart open, wanting to be her hero, her love, and then Harm had to come charging in like a knight to save the day for him. He hadn’t even been able to keep Sarah safe. He was so sick and tired of playing second fiddle to Commander Harmon Rabb, Jr.

“I’m sorry, Sarah. I shouldn’t have said that, especially not to you. Look

you know how I feel and I am not going to give up on you. I’m giving you fair warning, Sarah Mackenzie. Harmon Rabb has had seven years, and even though everyone knows how he feels about you, he’ll never tell you. How long are you going to wait?”

“Clay, I didn’t come in here to discuss Harm. Besides, if it weren’t for him, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation because one or maybe even both of us would be dead. You may not like Harm, but he did care about us, about me, and he got us both out. I’d think you’d be a little more grateful ”

“I won’t apologize for what I said, and besides, I like Harm, but I happen to be in love with you. He doesn’t own you. And I am not going to back down just because he feels he has prior rights on you.”

“Rights”, Mac almost yelled at him, lowering her voice, remembering where she was.

It was at this precise time that a nurse walked in to check Clay’s vitals. Mac watched as she took his blood pressure, his temperature, his pulse, and then turned to him.

“Your blood pressure is elevated, Mr. Webb. I don’t know what’s doing it, but it was much lower earlier. Your friend has been here too long. I think you better get some rest.”

“Just give me a few more minutes”, Clay pleaded. He had to tell Sarah what he had been wanting to tell her ever since they had first became involved in this operation.

“Ten minutes”, the nurse said, walking out. “I’ll be back then to make sure your blood pressure has not gotten any higher. Oh, and keep your voices down. This is a hospital.”

“Clay, maybe I better leave”, Mac said, knowing it was their conversation that had elevated his blood pressure. “No, Sarah, not yet. Listen to me, please. I know a lot of people think that you and Harm are meant for each other, that you belong together, but I don’t see it that way. If you did, then why haven’t one, or both of you, taken the steps to do something about it? If he loves you, then why hasn’t he told you? And don’t give me this career crap. If he loved you enough, and you loved him, one of your would be willing to change jobs. No, that’s not it. I’ve stayed out of your way since you broke your engagement to Brumby, but I’m not going to stay out of the way now. I want you to marry me. Harm will always be alone. He just doesn’t have it in him to make a commitment to anyone. I love you, Sarah, and I want to give you everything he can’t. Marry me, Sarah.”

Mac just stared at Clayton Webb. For the second time in her life since he had met Harmon Rabb, a man had proposed to her, promising her everything she had ever wanted from him, and only from him. These feelings that were fluttering within her, were they the beginnings of love, or just gratitude for what Clay had endured for her? But then again, look at what Harm had done for her over the years. Look at what she had done fpr him as well. They had both gone to the ends of the world to save each other, or help the other, or just be there when one or the other needed comfort or support. Could that ever be enough for her? Looking down at Clay as he waited for her answer, she knew he was as wrong for her as Mic had been, and neither one of them were to blame.

“This is ridiculous, Webb, and the answer is no. I am asking you not to pursue the matter. I am very grateful to you for what you did for me, but that’s as far as it goes. And you’re wrong about Harm. I’ve got to go. Harm was injured in the plane crash, and I have to go see how bad his injuries are.”

“Sarah, I’m not giving up”, Clay began.

“You better, Clay, because there is no chance in hell I would ever marry you

Don’t make me hurt you. I’ve already hurt one good man because I wouldn’t listen to my heart, and I don’t want to hurt you too. Stop now, and please, Clay, don’t ask for my help again unless Harm is part of the mission.”

Clay looked at her, his eyes wide. He took her hand again, holding it forcefully.

“He hasn’t told you, has he?” Gunny had already told Clay about Harm resigning.

“Told me what”, Mac said, trying to pull her hand away, her voice getting louder.

“I can’t believe he didn’t tell you. What kind of a man is he?”

Before Mac had a chance to reply, the nurse came back in and informed them that Mac had to leave immediately.

Clay tried to change the nurses’ mind, but she refused and Mac pulled her hand away, telling Clay that she would see him later, when Harm was with her

She turned to leave, anxious to see Harm. How bad was he hurt? What have I done? He was hurting all this time, and all I could think about was Clay.

How could I have been so insensitive?

Mac hurried to the emergency room, but noticed Gunny walking back into the hospital, very slowly, his head down. She ran to him.

“Where is he, Gunny? How bad was his injury? Where is Harm”, Mac yelled at Gunny.

“He’s gone, Ma’am.”

“Gone? Is he having surgery? Why didn’t you come get me? Gunny, you were supposed to take him to the emergency room. Where is he?”

“I didn’t let him go, Colonel. He insisted on leaving. He has a broken tibia, and it’s pretty swollen. The doctor recommended surgery, but Harm insisted on going home.”

“Home? Gunny, how could you let him go! How could you let a man with a broken…oh, no, Gunny, he carried me when I couldn’t walk. He carried me with a broken leg. Where is he? I have to find him.”

“He told me to take care of you and Mr. Webb.”

“Webb! Gunny, Webb told me that Harm hadn’t told me something. What is it?

What the hell is going on?” Her voice was beginning to attract the attention of some of the nurses and doctors and other visitors.

Gunny walked away from her. He had known the Colonel for a very long time, and knew how she could react to certain situations. Oh, he knew she wouldn’t hit him, but he could almost hear her yelling at him and everyone in the hospital. It wasn’t something he was looking forward to telling her.

Perhaps he could convince her to wait until the admiral could tell her.

“Colonel…”

“Don’t ‘Colonel’ me, Gunny. I want the truth and I want it now!

“Colonel MacKenzie”, came a voice from behind Gunny. Gunny wondered if his prayers had been answered.

“Yes, what is it”, Mac answered impatiently. “Is this about Commander Rabb?”

“No. There’s a Mrs. Webb on the line for you. She says it’s important.”

With an angry shrug, Mac went and picked up the phone.

“MacKenzie”, she said. “Colonel MacKenzie, this is Clayton Webb’s mother. He asked that I call you and ask if you wanted to fly home with him tomorrow. Also, can you tell me how he’s doing? I’m concerned about him.”

“He’s doing quite well for everything he went through”, Mac answered, her voice noticeably annoyed. “As for the flight back, I’m not sure, Mrs. Webb.

I thank you for offering, but at this point, I’m not sure.”

“Dear, Clayton told me he was going to ask you to marry him. I hope you said yes.”

Mac wanted to throw the phone as far away as she could, but her discipline kept her from yelling into it. She was so angry that she didn’t notice Gunny walking away from her towards the entrance to the hospital.

“No, Mrs. Webb, the answer was not yes, and I don’t believe he had the right to tell you about his intentions so prematurely.”

“I’m not worried, Sarah. When Clayton wants something, he usually gets it, and he wants you. I hope we will meet very soon. Goodbye, dear.”

Mac slammed the phone, turning to look for Gunny, who seemed to have disappeared. She went looking for him. Okay, only one man could give her the answer if Harm was not here. She put in a call to Admiral Chegwidden.

“Colonel MacKenzie, it’s good to hear from you. How are you doing?”

“I’m fine, Admiral, but Harm isn’t, and I want to know what is going on.”

“What do you mean”, the admiral squirmed, knowing full well what Mac meant.

“Sir, no disrespect intended, but I have just spent eight days in a bug-infested jungle, being half carried by the Commander at times, and now I am told that Harm didn’t tell me something that seems to be significant enough that no one wants to tell me. I need to know what it is. He is injured and missing, and I need to find him, so if you can help me, do it now.” Mac was stunned at her harsh words aimed at her commanding officer.

“I’m sorry, Mac, there was nothing I could do to stop him. Harm resigned his commission to go look for you after I refused him permission to go. He is no longer part of JAG or the Navy.”

“What!” Mac yelled, forcing the admiral to hold the phone away from his ear

“You heard me, Colonel.”

Mac was speechless for several seconds. Damn Harm! How could he have done that and not told her? She turned her attention back to the admiral, her anger directed at him. “And you let him? You let him come after me, knowing he was placing his life and career in danger, and now you tell me you can’t, no make that, you won’t help me find him. Didn’t he mean anything to JAG?”

“That’s enough, Colonel. I think you’ve said more than enough without risking charges being brought against you. Now, come home. YOU are still part of JAG.”

“I’m sorry, Sir, but my mission isn’t quite complete yet.”

“You get home now, Colonel. That’s an order”, AJ hung up before she had a chance to yell at him again.

Mac stared at the phone, the tears finally beginning to fall down her cheeks

She had been so worried about Clay that she had allowed her best friend, the man she loved with all her heart, her Harm, her flyboy, carry her even though he had a broken leg, and yet she had ignored his pain over her concern for another man. Fate was indeed cruel when it came to her and Harm

Suddenly, she lifted her head, realizing that wherever Harm was, he believed that she loved Clay, and it was all her fault.

Refusing Mrs. Webb’s offer of a ride home, Mac disobeyed the admiral’s orders and remained in Paraguay for another two days, and with Gunny’s help, they did everything they could to find Harm. He seemed to have been swallowed up by fate, once again taking him away from Mac. Gunny had never asked her what had happened during those eight days she spent with Harm, but on the last night there, Mac broke down and cried, telling him everything.

“Then he left because he thought you loved Clayton Webb?’

“Yes”, Mac sobbed. “Oh, Gunny, I was such a fool. Where could he have gone?”

“I have a suggestion, Ma’am. He had a broken leg that the doctor said was going to require surgery. Why don’t we go home? Perhaps the Comm…Harm went home to get it taken care of. The doctor told me that very few men, or women, ever walked on a broken leg, so I can imagine he was in severe pain. Once we get back, I can start tracing any kind of treatment to a broken tibia. It’s a long shot, but it’s a start.

Mac’s sobs became even louder as she told Gunny how Harm had carried her because she kept asking for Clay. He had promised to get her to Clay safely

and in order to keep his promise, he had ignored his own pain.

As they boarded the airplane to return home, neither Mac nor Gunny were aware of the tall, melancholy man watching as the plane took off. It was only then that Harm went back to the hospital and had Dr. Chavez operate on his leg.

Two weeks later, Harm left Paraguay for the last time, still on crutches, but doing much better. It was the excruciating ache in his heart that seemed to have no cure. One lone friend helped Harmon Rabb, Jr. disappear from the face of the earth

giving him time to discover things about himself that he had often wondered about; to accept his past; confront his future and learn to live in the present without Mac. Harm became a man alone, with only one person to talk to once or twice a month. It became Harmon Rabb’s journey into his past.

The first two weeks were difficult for him, but with the help of a friend who had become like a guardian angel to him, Harm found a place to live, where no one knew his real identity; and began to reflect on his life. His friend had tried to talk him out of his solitude, but Harm was determined, knowing that he needed this time alone to make him realize why he had made such terrible choices. Harmon Rabb, Jr. wanted to know himself, see himself as others did, and try to comprehend the nature of his ways. He also had to accept his fears, his obsessions, his loves, and his loneliness.

Harmon Rabb, Jr. also had a favour to repay, so from time to time, he would disappear even deeper into oblivion, to fulfill his duty. It kept Harm from surrendering to the ache that seemed to overwhelm him at times, when his thoughts turned to Mac.

JAG HEADQUARTERS TWO MONTHS LATER

“Colonel Mackenzie to see you”, Tiner informed the admiral, who was not the least bit surprised.

“Send her in.”

Mac entered and stood at attention, missing Harm’s presence next to her. It was as if part of her was lost or misplaced. She was incomplete without Harm beside her..

“Sit down, Mac. Before you ask, no, I haven’t heard from him. It doesn’t seem possible to lose a Commander in the United States Navy so completely, but that seems to be the case with Harm. I wish I had better news for you, Colonel, but no one seems to know where he is, or where he has gone, or for that matter, if he is al…”

“Don’t! Please, Sir, don’t say it. Harm is alive. I can feel it. If something had happened to him, I would know it. I’m sorry to bother you so much about him, but there is something I have to clear up with him.”

“Gunny told me, Colonel, only after I badgered him into it. I know you expressed a great concern for Mr. Webb because of the torture he went through to protect you, but your life wouldn’t even have been in jeopardy if he hadn’t gotten you involved in all this.” What the admiral didn’t know was just how far Mac had gone in expressing her gratitude.

Mac sat quietly, listening to the admiral. She knew that everything he said was true, but it didn’t stop her from hurting so much. Each day made it worse, and the nights were becoming intolerable. She was tormented with memories of Harm, of the way his lips felt on her the few times they had kissed. Although she and Gunny had debriefed the admiral on most of what had transpired during their mission, they had both left out the most personal matters.

“I tried to comfort Webb for all the pain he had endured for me, but when Harm arrived, and we got Webb out, we focused on the mission, on destroying the stinger missiles, which we did. Webb had been beaten severely to keep me from being hurt. I was concerned about him. If you would have been there…”

“I’ve been in similar circumstances and seen it all, Colonel, and probably much worse. You did what you had to do, Mac. You are aware that the President was very impressed with Harm’s actions in Paraguay, so if Harm should ever return, he will be welcomed back to JAG. Now, I’ve got a lot of things to do, but I do promise you that if I hear anything, I will let you know. I have talked to his mother and Frank, and although they don’t know where he is, Mrs. Burnett seems to feel fairly secure that her son is safe.”

“Yes, I know”, Mac turned back and looked at her commanding officer. “I call Trish once a month at least to see if she’s heard from him, but so far there’s been no word.”

Mac hesitated, not wanting to leave the admiral’s office. At least here she could talk about Harm openly, express her concern, and although the admiral didn’t share her apprehension, she sensed he felt the same way.

After Mac and Gunny had returned to Washington, she had pleaded with him to help her find Harm. She knew his expertise in finding missing persons, but so far, they had found no leads. Even Bud was helping. Coates had offered also, but so far no luck. It was as if Harm had been swallowed up into a big vacuum.

Mac had not known what being lonely was until now. She missed Harm so much.

She had gotten into the habit of going over to Harm’s apartment, and sleeping there, feeling closer to him. She had taken some of his clothes home with her, some large Tee Shirts, and she slept in them when she didn’t sleep at his place.

When she remembered how foolish she had been in her constant remarks concerning Clay, not even thanking Harm for saving her life, she felt an anger so agonizing, she could taste the bile in her mouth. How could she have done that to Harm? He was her best friend, and she had treated him worse than she had treated Gunny. It wasn’t fate that was keeping her from Harm; it was her own behaviour. Would she ever find him? The thought of never seeing him again tore her heart into tiny pieces, each piece embedded with the image of his face, his beautiful eyes and the smile that always made her weak.

HARM’S SOUL SEARCHING A CABIN IN OREGON – JUNE-JULY 2003

After having had the surgery on his leg, and as it turned out as well, his knee, it took two weeks for the doctor to allow Harm to come home. He knew that Clayton Webb had returned home with his mother, but he wondered why Mac and Gunny had stayed behind. Dr. Chavez had become Harm’s friend, and taken care of him. He had been with Harm when Gunny and Mac had left and watched the sad man as the plane took off, Sometimes, Dr. Chavez wondered if he had doing the right thing. Gunny had vowed that he would not tell Mac what Harm had told him, which hadn’t been much, but enough for his friend to know why he was leaving

Now, Dr. Chavez also kept Harm’s secret.

Harm had called his mother and Frank to let them know that he was okay, and was taking a short leave of absence. He asked them not to look for him.

“Harm, please come home and let me take care of you”, his mother pleaded. “Just let me see that you are well and…”

“I am, Mom”, Harm interrupted her. “This is something I have to do, Mom. It’s important to me, and it’s been a long time coming. I’ll be okay, but promise me that you will not try to find me. I need this time alone, to reflect on a lot of things. Can you do that for me, Mom?”

Reluctantly, his mother had agreed, and then Harm had spoken to Frank.

“Just take care of Mom for me like you always have. I will forward a number where I can be reached in case of an emergency, but only emergencies. I need time for my leg to heal. My soul could use some healing also.”

But Harm was not completely alone for he needed help, especially with his leg in a cast, and he turned to a person whose guidance he knew he could count on, a friend who knew him well. His commanding officer had been instrumental in helping Harm get settled.

Harm’s friend had found a log cabin in a remote part of Oregon for him to heal and reflect on his life. There were tall pine trees, loggers, and nice people who just left you alone if that’s what you wanted. Far away from any neighbours, Harmon Rabb, Jr. commenced on a journey that would take him to his past, to his present, to his future, and hopefully, help him find a future for himself.

Memories of his father’s life and death were the first ones he explored, followed by his feelings towards his mother, towards Frank and the anger and hurt he felt when his mother had his father declared dead so that she could marry Frank. The same sense of loss filled him now, even as it did when he was a child. Losing his father was devastating to him, because he adored the elder Rabb. Harm wanted to be just like his father in every way, and then one day, it was all changed. As the years passed, Harm felt that same sense of loss as his mother began to date Frank, then informed her son that she was marrying this man that seemed to be taking everything away from him all over again. Harm had lost his father, now he was losing his mother, and no matter how kind and loving Frank was to him, the young boy could not accept him.

Harm finally began to realize that he was not the only child who had lost a parent and he wondered how many of them had reacted as he had. With the help of his friend, he talked his feelings out, aware of the fact that much of the anguish he had suffered when he lost his father had been brought on by his own actions, especially as he grew older. He could not let go of the past, or of the dreams he had had of sharing his life with his father. In reflecting on his obsession, Harm realized that had it not been for his inability to let his father go, he might have never learned the real truth and found his brother.

An adult now, Harm realized and accepted that his Mom had done the best thing she could for not only herself, but for him as well. She had tried to give him a normal life, a father, but that was what Harm had resented the most. As the days and weeks passed, Harm began to understand his mother’s needs and the decisions she had made. It had been one thing to be obsessed with memories and thoughts of his father, but it was another to keep his mother from moving on with her life, finding the happiness she had so richly deserved. He had stopped living when his father died, and he expected his mother to do the same thing.

But it was only the beginning, and it was when his friend came by, that Harm began to open up to his inner feelings, his obsession over his father, and his fear of falling in love again only to lose them also. They talked for hours, something Harm had never done with anyone. It was about two months later that Harm began to truly understand how he had created a father that few men could measure up to, much less actually exist. They talked about Sergei and Harm’s feelings about finding out that his father had been human, giving in to physical needs just as any other man or woman. Slowly, Harm began to accept his own feelings as well, his feelings of resentment, of anger and bitterness.

It was also about this time, three months into his retreat, that Harm realized he had to let Mac and the Admiral know that he was safe and doing well. His conversation with his friend, regarding Mac led him to realize why he had been unable to tell her how much he loved her. And now, it was too late. He imagined Mac happily engaged, or even married to Clayton Webb now, perhaps even expecting their first child. As the weeks passed, he began to smile at the thought of Mac expecting a baby. It would not be the baby he had promised her, but she would be happy, and that was what he wanted most.

Although he had made sure to keep in touch with Bud and Harriet, it was always done with the help of his friend, mailing cards from all over the world, and never allowing anyone to know where he could be reached, or have the cards traced. He knew that Bud and Harriet were about to welcome a baby girl, and when he thought about it, it made his heart ache with an almost unbearable intensity. He remembered the godson that he and Mac shared. It was memories like these that made Harm’s body tremble from missing the life he had shared with Mac, a life he had been instrumental in throwing away.

Strangely enough, he seldom thought of his flying career, nor of his life at JAG, except for the fact that it was because of JAG that he had met Mac. He could still see her that day at The Rose Garden, feel the touch of her hand against his, and remember how he felt when he looked into her eyes and felt lost. His immediate thoughts had been of Diane, but within seconds, it was Mac who stole his heart. He had been so foolish in his fears; in his concern for their careers. In retrospect, Harm realized that as important as his career was to him, after learning what Mac had been through to get where she was, he could not take it away from her. It was the one thing that kept him from revealing his love for her. He could not, and would not destroy what she had built for herself, the dream she had accomplished, and the demons she had battled against to achieve her goals.

After a very lengthy conversation with his friend about Mac, in which he confessed how he had loved her almost from the moment he met her, Harm admitted that he had been unable to tell her his feelings for fear of losing her, the way he had lost everyone whom he had loved. His friend convinced him to contact Mac, and the admiral, and let them know he was well. Harm vowed that he would think about it.

Two weeks later, he sat down and wrote the brief cards – one to Admiral Chegwidden, one to Mac, and one to Gunny.

Another two weeks later, when his friend came to visit him, Harm gave him the cards that he had written. Fortunately, his friend traveled extensively

and even when he wasn’t on trips himself, he would have other colleagues, whose careers also included wide-ranging travels, mail the cards for him, thereby keeping his location a secret.

As the weeks passed, and the weather became cold, Harm knew that he would soon have to make some decisions. He owed it to his mother, to Frank, and to himself.

JAG HEADQUARTERS SEPTEMBER 2003

Without any further news, Colonel Sarah MacKenzie threw herself into her work, once more becoming the brilliant lawyer she had always been, but the fire and passion had gone out of her. She gave her closing arguments with a fervour that others lawyers feared, won most of her cases, but once she entered her office, Mac had but one thought, always Harm. Gunny, the Admiral, Bud and her had exhausted every lead they had, and still nothing. Even Harm’s mother seemed to be giving up hope.

Making matters worse was the fact that Clayton Webb, now fully recovered, and looking every bit as handsome as he always had thanks to plastic surgery to repair the damage done to his face, refused to give up on Mac. She had settled into a comfortable relationship with Webb, but not what he hoped it would be. Although they had asked for his help in finding Harm, neither the admiral nor Mac believed he was doing anything about it.

Receiving a dozen roses from Clay was the last straw. It was towards the end of October, and Clay was becoming relentless, not to mention annoying, in his pursuit of Mac’s heart, enlisting the aid of his mother. Listening to Mac’s remarks about Webb caused the admiral to step in, asking Tiner to set up an appointment with Clayton Webb as soon as possible. Arriving at JAG Headquarters, Clay walked straight to his office, not even announcing himself to Tiner. The admiral and Mac were waiting for him.

“I understand you wanted to see me, Admiral. Good day, Sarah, you look almost as beautiful as the roses I sent you”, Clay said, without stopping to wait for a reaction from either one of them.

“Yes, Clayton, I did want to see you. Would you both sit down?”

Clayton looked over at Mac, waiting for a comment on the roses he had sent, but she remained silent. She knew why the admiral had called them in and felt quite uneasy.

“What’s this all about”, Clay asked, suddenly sensing a chill in the air.

“It’s about your persistent, and I might add, unwelcome, pursuit of Colonel MacKenzie. Webb, we’ve known each other too long for you to carry on this way. Up until your mission in Paraguay, you had never exhibited any romantic inclinations towards the colonel.” The admiral was trying to keep the conversation on a friendly basis, which was quite evident in the tone of his voice.

“Does this have anything to do with Rabb?”

“No, Clayton, it does not, and if it did, it does not concern you”, Mac answered, hoping the admiral would not object. “I am grateful for all you did for me, but let’s face it, I wouldn’t even have been in that situation if you hadn’t lied to us. I’ve made it very clear that I don’t care for you…”

“That’s enough, Colonel MacKenzie”, AJ interrupted. “Webb, the colonel does not owe you an explanation. She has made it clear that she does not return your feelings. And I agree with her, Webb. She wouldn’t have been in danger had it not been for you. We’ve worked together too long for us to be having this kind of conversation, so let’s end it here. And also put an end to your unwanted attentions towards Colonel MacKenzie. Do I make myself clear?” The admiral was trying very hard not to lose his temper, but his face was red with anger.

“Admiral, I truly admire you for your loyalty to your staff members, but I have to hear it from Sarah.”

“First of all, please don’t call me Sarah, Clayton, not ever again. Webb, look at me. I was grateful, that’s all. Don’t make me say cruel things to you. I can never love you, Clayton Webb, and I would appreciate it if you tell you mother to stop calling me before I get rude with her as well. Is that clear? Have I gotten my point across?” Mac’s voice was trembling by the time she finished speaking.

Webb got up and looked at both of them, shaking his head, then looked at Mac

“I’ll leave you alone, Colonel MacKenzie, but believe me, you’ll never have Harm.”

“Then I’ll live with the memories of him”, Mac said, no longer able to stay in the same room with him. She walked out without waiting to be dismissed.

Webb walked out of the admiral’s office, slamming the door to make a point. He was glad he hadn’t helped them find Rabb. For all he knew, Rabb was dead by now and Sarah would be sorry very soon.

Two days after the admiral’s talk with Webb, Clayton called again and asked for a meeting with both the admiral and the Colonel. Hesitant to meet with Webb again, the admiral assured Mac that he would be right beside her, and the room outside was filled with friends who would do anything to protect her. They needn’t have been concerned.

Upon entering the admiral’s office, Clayton Webb stood, almost at attention, although it was not his habit to do so.

“You wanted to see us”, Admiral Chegwidden asked Webb, without asking him to take a seat.

Mac was sitting down, refusing to look at Clayton.

“Yes, Sir. I wanted to apologize for my inexcusable behaviour towards Colonel MacKenzie. Nothing I can say or do can justify my actions during the last few months. I just wanted both of you to know that neither of you have anything to be concerned about regarding any further harassment on my part, or that of my mother’s.”

Turning to Mac, Clayton addressed her and the admiral decided to stay out of it.

“Sa…Colonel, I am very sorry for any distress I have caused you. I sincerely hope you will forgive me. I just wanted both of you to know that I have come to my senses.”

The silence that filled the room was almost deafening. After almost a minute, Mac cleared her throat.

“Apology accepted, Webb. I appreciate this very much.”

“Since the colonel has accepted your apology, so do I”, the admiral said.

“I’d like to know if there is anything that I can do to help you find Harm. I will use every method at my disposal to help you.”

Once again, silence filled the room. The admiral and Mac looked at each other, then turned to Webb.

“We appreciate your officer”, the admiral replied. “If we feel we need your help, we will call you. Webb, thank you for doing this. We’ve worked together too long to have our working relationship end on such a sour note.”

Webb picked up his coat, looked back at both of them, again reiterated his offer to help find Harm, and then turned and left.

“I hope his apology is sincere”, the admiral said, once again looking at Mac

Mac looked down at her hands, knowing she had to tell the admiral the truth.

Very little had been said about the completion of their mission other than that Harm had arrived in time to keep her from being tortured and possibly killed. Gunny and Mac had debriefed the admiral on the entire outcome, but by mutual agreement, had left out some pertinent details.

“He is, Sir. I am truly indebted to you for defending me this way, but a lot of Webb’s actions resulted from my own behaviour towards him after Harm found us. Suddenly, I found another attractive man interested in me, and I felt, well, I just can’t explain it.”

The admiral listened in stunned silence as Mac related Webb’s confession to her even prior to Harm’s arrival.

“I felt a certain amount of loyalty to Webb for what he had done for me, Admiral, as I had already told you. He had kept me from the terrorists, who would have used me and then killed me. He had been beaten almost to within an inch of his life. My last words to Clay prior to Gunny taking him to the hospital were very encouraging to him, and at the time, although I knew Harm saw and heard what I said and did, Webb was the only one who mattered. Harm was witness to a very tender kiss between Webb and myself.”

“What did happen in Paraguay? Is there more to this than you’ve told me?” The admiral’s harsh question brought the tears to Mac’s eyes. He was left speechless by Mac’s confession.

“I have no excuse except that Webb kept me safe until Harm arrived.”

“Tell me, Colonel MacKenzie, what are your feelings for Clayton Webb?”

Mac would not and could not meet the admiral’s piercing eyes. The judgment in them was as clear as Harm’s had been.

“Gratitude, Sir. I was foolish enough to date him a few times after we returned, but I never told him I cared for him…or…”

“I think I owe Clayton an apology, Colonel. What you do is up to you. I only wish I could talk to Harm, but after hearing this, I can understand why he has chosen not to return, which is our loss. I usually don’t involve myself in my staff’s personal lives, Colonel, but I only regret that I didn’t know all this a long time ago. Perhaps I would have tried a little harder to get Harm back, or at least talk to him. Is that all, Colonel?”

“I did what I felt was necessary at the time, Sir. Believe me, I am paying for the choices I’ve made.”

“Then suck it up, Marine and live with your decisions. Dismissed.”

The admiral’s anger was quite obvious, for he had never spoken to Mac in such a harsh manner, not even when she had broken rules, much like Harm had done. When she left to join Dalton’s firm, or when she was accused of her husband’s murder, the admiral had always been on her side. Somehow, the admiral had never seen Mac in quite the same manner as he saw Harm. Now, as he watched Mac leave his office, the admiral shook his head, wondering if they would ever see Harm again. With this new information that he now had, the admiral was fully aware of the reasons behind Harm’s action, but most importantly, he regretted not being there for him when he had been accused of murder, and refused to let him go to Paraguay. Mac was right. Like her, he had also made a lot of wrong choices.

JAG HEADQUARTERS MID SEPTEMBER 2003

Three days after Clay’s apology, and Mac’s full confession to the admiral, she received a card from Harm. Her hands were trembling as she saw his handwriting, written across the front. Instead of addressing it to Col. Sarah MacKenzie, it was simply addressed to “Sarah”, but it was in a large brown envelope addressed to her full name, with a smaller one inside. Mac stared at the envelope for several minutes, not wanting to open for fear that Harm would be putting a final closure to their relationship. Finally, she opened it.

“Sarah,

I hope you have found the happiness you have been looking for all your life.

I will never forget you. Thank you for being such a special part of my life.

Harm”

The tears fell on the card, staining it. She read it and reread it. Harm had called her Sarah, not Mac, but Sarah. Oh, God, how she missed him. She missed his smile that made her feel weak all over. She missed looking into his eyes, being lost in them. She missed his voice, and the evenings they spent together. Harm, where are you? He had addressed the card to her at work. She was in her office, the door closed, as she put her head down and gave in to the sobs that would not stop. He was alive and well, and if the bond between them was as strong as she believed it to be, she would find him

For now, she held the card almost as if she was holding his hand, or caressing his face.

Tiner carried the admiral’s mail in to him. He had noticed the card, but didn’t say anything, instead putting it on top. The admiral made a motion for Tiner to put the mail down, and continued with his work.

“I think you’d be interested in reading this one, Sir”, Tiner said.

Admiral Chegwidden looked up at Tiner, annoyed at being disturbed. He started to say something then decided against it, realizing it would take Tiner longer to answer the question than it would for him to find out why it was important. Tiner walked out. The admiral picked up the mail and immediately recognized the handwriting. Looking for a return address or a postmark, he noted that it had been mailed from New York. He turned the card over and read it.

“Admiral Chegwidden,

“I regret that I disappointed you so much, but I could not just sit there and do nothing when I learned that Mac was missing. I can’t apologize for what I did, although I know that you are having to deal with the repercussions of my actions, not just my trip to Paraguay, but other problems I’ve caused as well. My time at JAG will always be a part of me and I am proud to have served under you.

Harm”

Like Mac, the admiral read the card over several times before he put it down and placed a call to Harm’s mother.

Admiral Chegwidden was disappointed to hear that his mother had not heard from Harm and there was no further report on his whereabouts.

“Mrs. Burnett, is Harm’s plane still at the airport in Virginia?”

“Yes. That is the one thing that he asked Frank to take care of for him while he was gone. Harm would never get rid of his plane. You don’t think he’s…”

“I don’t know what to think, Mrs. Burnett. It’s just that I’ve learned some things that might have been disturbing to Harm, and I’ve wondered where he might be.”

“The last time I talked to him, which was right after his return from Paraguay, he told me that he needed some time to reflect on the choices he has made in life and the effects they have had on those close to him. I pleaded with him to come home, but he insisted he needed to be alone. This was right after he had the surgery in Paraguay.”

The admiral took a deep breath. This was news to him. He always believed that Harm had undergone the surgery in the United States. No wonder they hadn’t been able to find medical records pertaining to his surgery. The admiral thanked Trisha Burnett and told her he would call if he heard anything. As the admiral talked to Harm’s mother, Gunny received his card, which was the longest of them. At first, he didn’t recognize the handwriting, but when he opened the brown envelope, there was another one inside, with his name written across it. Gunny smiled, knowing who it was from immediately.

“Gunny,

I’m glad to hear that you are back at JAG. You were missed while you were gone. I can’t ever thank you enough for all you did for me. If it hadn’t been for you, I might never have found Webb and Mac, or gotten the stinger missiles. I know you wanted to come with me, but I’m sure you are aware now that it would have been the wrong move for your career. The Marines need men like you. JAG needs men like you. And most importantly, I need a friend like you. I hope Mac and Clay have found the happiness she deserves.

And, Gunny, if you ever find the right woman, don’t wait to tell her how you feel. Don’t make the mistakes I’ve made. I miss you and everyone at JAG.

Harm”

Like the admiral and Mac, Gunny was stunned by Harm’s words, reading the card three times before he finally put it down. He saw Colonel MacKenzie looking at him. With a slight nod of her head, she asked him to come to her office.

“You got a card from Harm, didn’t you”, Mac asked, not bothering to hide her tears.

“Yes, Ma’am, I did. Did you?”

“Gunny, he has no idea what is going on.”

“I know, Ma’am. He thinks you and Mr. Webb are together.”

“And his mother has no idea where he is”, a voice from the door startled them. The admiral was standing there, holding the card he had received.

“You called her”, Mac asked.

“Yes. Let’s go to my office.”

The three of them walked stiffly to the admiral’s office, noticing that everyone was looking at them. Closing the door behind him, the admiral turned to Gunny.

“I did learn one interesting bit of information. We haven’t been able to find any medical records of Harm’s surgery because he had it done in Paraguay.”

“Dr. Chavez”, Gunny said, looking at Mac. “That means he was there when we left.”

“Could he still be in Paraguay”, Mac asked, her voice almost a whisper, but one filled with hope.

“Gunny, that’s your specialty. See if you can find Dr. Chavez. Perhaps he might know where Harm went after leaving the hospital.”

“Anything else”, the admiral turned to Mac.

“Harm believes that Clay and I are either married or together”, Mac said, her eyes shining with unshed tears.

Gunny handed his card over to the admiral, who read it and handed it to Mac.

Although she had already read it, she looked at the words again.

“We have an office to run, but I am giving you both permission to follow up on any leads you can find. I don’t know exactly what to say to either one of you. At this point, I believe that Gunny would be the one person that Harm would, or might be willing to see. since he feels he disappointed me, and well, we know what he believes about you and Webb. If we can find him, then we can straighten him out on all his misconceptions. Mac, don’t get too hopeful. If Harm wants to stay away, he has already proven that he can do so quite easily. Gunny, let’s see what you can find out. And let’s keep this to ourselves. I don’t want anyone asking a lot of questions.”



HARM’S CABIN OREGON EARLY NOVEMBER 2003

“What are you going to do for Thanksgiving”, Harm’s friend asked him.

“There’s a family about five miles from here. They’ve invited me to spend the holiday with them. I’m thinking about it.”

“Don’t you think your mother would enjoy having you home with her?”

“Yes, and I will call her, but I’m not quite ready. Maybe for Christmas, I can make it. With your help, I’ve come a long way, but I still have some unanswered questions.”

Indeed, Harm did spend Thanksgiving with Greg and Kelly Evans, a young couple with two small children. They didn’t have much money, but they seemed so happy. Harm had helped Greg do some carpentry work in the kitchen

Greg had helped Harm make a cradle for Bud and Harriet’s little girl, who had been born on the 1st of October. With his friend’s help, the cradle had arrived just in time. The day was bittersweet for Harm. He saw the lack of luxuries that filled the tiny Evans home, but also felt the love and happiness they shared. His thoughts were with Mac. Was she expecting her first child? Was she happy? Although Harm had the access to find out exactly what was going on at JAG, he never asked his friend to make any inquiries regarding Mac.

That night, Harm walked the five miles to his cabin, looking up at the gathering clouds, and smelling the impending snow. Starting a fire as soon as he got home, he wondered what it would be like to spend his days and nights with Mac, without anyone to bother them, or…no, he couldn’t think like that. She didn’t belong to him, and it was his fault. It was the first night that Harmon Rabb, Jr. cried himself to sleep, dreaming of Mac, almost feeling her presence next to him. Why, oh, why couldn’t he stop loving her? Until he could accept his life without her, he could not return home. He had to realize that loving her as much as he did meant that he had to be happy for her.

THE ROBERTS HOME THANKSGIVING DAY 2003

Although Gunny, the admiral and she had spent the last six weeks trying to find Harm, they weren’t any closer now than they had been before they received his cards. Dr. Chavez had little information to give them, but somehow, Gunny sensed that the good doctor was holding something back, but he refused to give him any further information. They all wondered if he would write to them again, or if this was his last farewell.

Thanksgiving Day had been a day of cooking and sharing good food, football games, children playing, and camaraderie between friends, but for Mac, her heart was empty, no matter how much she smiled. The tears were inside of her, and they would never end until she found Harm.

Walking into her apartment after a long, tiring day, Mac threw the keys on her table, locked her door, then went into the bedroom. Suddenly, she decided that she didn’t want to spend the night here, so she picked up her keys and got into her car and drove over to Harm’s. No matter how long he had been gone, the essence of him was still here. The tears that she had shed on the inside now came pouring down her face as she called out to Harm.

“Sarah, I love you”, Mac heard the words so clearly, so close to her that she turned around to look for Harm. It was his voice, his presence so close to her. She shuddered, wishing she could be with him.

“I love you too, Harm, more than you will ever know”, Mac said, as she undressed and got into Harm’s shirt, headed for his bed.

In Harm’s cabin, he heard her words almost as if she was in the bed with him

He looked up, blinking his eyes several times, then told himself it had been his imagination, but his heart ruled his mind for the rest of the night

Hundreds of miles away, Harm and Mac spent Thanksgiving Day hearing the other’s voice, words of love being softly spoken, closing their eyes and dreaming of being wrapped in each other’s arms. Their tears left the sheets wet as they finally dozed off.

JAG HEADQUARTERS DECEMBER 2003

The holidays were fast approaching, much too fast for Mac. The only one she truly enjoyed shopping for was little AJ, and now his little sister, Jessica Harmony. But even then, she would often find the tears filling her eyes as she recalled other holidays, other birthdays, that she and Harm had shopped together for their godson. Everywhere she went, she saw Harm’s face, his smile, heard his voice and felt him close to her. While shopping for little AJ and Jessica, Mac spotted a beautiful blue sweater that would be perfect for Harm. She loved seeing him in blue, because it made his eyes sparkle with life and passion, and sometimes, she would see a longing in them. Without thinking, Mac bought the sweater for Harm and went home and wrapped it.

Knowing that spending the holidays with the Roberts would only bring painful memories of past years, when she and Harm had shared them together, albeit only as close and best friends, Mac knew she had to forget her pain and think of Chloe. She began to make plans to visit Chloe, although she hadn’t yet informed her sister, now a young lady, and with a new step-mother to make a home for her, of what she was considering. Since Chloe’s father had married, Mac felt a little left out of her little sister’s life, but she saw the two of them becoming close. Chloe was so grown up, and always talking about boys and inquiring about Harm. This was one holiday season that Mac was not going to enjoy.

After much badgering from the Roberts, and the admiral, who was aware of Mac’s sense of loss, she agreed to attend church with them and have dinner with everyone, as always. She knew that she would see Harm in every room, see him smiling at her as he looked for her just as she always looked for him.

Instead of putting up a Christmas tree, Mac opted to buy small decorations, putting them throughout her apartment. Harriet and Bud would visit her, bringing their children over, and she didn’t want them to see the emptiness of her apartment. Poinsettias, big red and green and gold bows with mistletoe on them made her own place festive enough for Harriet not to question her.

It was at Harm’s place that Mac bought a six-foot tree, put up all the lights, and trimmed it all by herself. She hummed Christmas carols as she trimmed the tree, remembering other years when Harm would pull out his guitar and play and sing for her. They would drink eggnog, and have chocolate pastries that Mac loved so much.

“I think your tree looks absolutely beautiful”, Mac said, talking to an imaginary Harm.

“I miss you, Mac”, Harm’s words came so clear, startling Mac, but when she turned around, there was no on there. “I miss you too, Harm, so much you’ll never know. How about some eggnog and my favourite pastry”, Mac whispered, tears filling her eyes.

“I wish you were here with me so I could hold you”, Harm’s voice came again.

Mac turned around once more, this time opening the door to see if he was outside. She went to the stereo, looking for a CD with his voice on it, but instead found it empty.

“Wherever you are, Harm, I can hear you, and I think you can hear me. Merry Christmas, Harm. Please, let us hear from you. I need to see you.”

“Merry Christmas, Mac. I am always as close to you as you are to me.”

Mac slipped on Harm’s Navy tee shirt, served a cup of eggnog, and went to bed, leaving the pastries untouched. It was the 16th of December.

HARM’S CABIN 16 DECEMBER 2003

It had been a difficult night for Harm. He had already decided that he was going home for Christmas. His thoughts of Mac had become as much a part of him as breathing. He had to know if she was happy with Webb, and once he saw that for himself, he would focus on a future for himself. His heart would always belong to Mac, he realized that now, but sometimes fate plays cruel tricks on lovers, and as he had finally began to accept it, perhaps he was never meant to be a part of Mac’s life, not in the way he wanted.

The Evans family had insisted on helping Harm put up a tree. Greg and Harm had even gone out and chopped it down. Bringing over their two daughters, Harm took Kaitlyn and sat her on his lap. She was just barely a year old and very attached to this sad stranger with the melancholy smile.

By the end of the evening, Greg suggested they go home since the weather was turning much colder. Harm told them he would finish trimming the tree and they could come over the following day to see it, weather permitting.

As Harm put the few decorations he had bought on the tree, he suddenly heard Mac’s voice, humming Christmas carols. She sounded as if she were in the same room with him. As he finished decorating the tree, he heard her voice again.

“I think your tree looks absolutely beautiful”, Mac’s voice was clear as a bell. Harm looked around, knowing it was an impossibility that she could have found him, but he felt her presence so strongly.

“I miss you, Mac”, Harm whispered, his words breaking as he spoke. He wanted to say so much more, but then he realized he was alone, and all this was just a fantasy. After all, Mac had always helped him put up his tree, just as he helped her.

This year, she had Webb to help her. Then her voice came again.

“I miss you, too, Harm, so much you’ll never know.” Why would she say those words? But it wasn’t Mac saying them, it was just his imagination.

Then Harm heard Mac offer him some eggnog, and he knew it was all in his mind. They were the only ones who truly knew how special the evenings they had during the holidays had been, yet it had never gone further than two best friends spending the evening together, flirting a little, touching, exchanging meaningful glances, but never taking the next step. She spoke to him again, telling him that wherever he was, she could hear him, and then she wished him a Merry Christmas.

“I am as close to you as you are to me”, Harm whispered into the darkened room, softly wishing Mac a Merry Christmas.

The following morning, Harm asked for help in contacting his mother without his location being given. It was immediately given to him.

BURNETT HOUSE 0852 HOURS 17 DECEMBER 2003

Trisha Burnett was cleaning up the kitchen after a light breakfast when the phone rang. She picked it.

“Trish Burnett.”

“Hi, Mom. Am I call…”

“Harm, it’s you. Harm, where are you”, Trish’s voice came out in a surprised gasp.

Harm could hear her calling out to Frank. He could just see the smile on her face. He realized he had missed his mother and looked forward to seeing her.

“Mom, listen to me. I wanted to let you know that I’ll be coming home to spend Christmas with you and Frank.”

Hearing Trish cry, Harm felt the guilt of staying away so long, yet he knew he had accomplished so much in these last six months, among them being why he had treated his mother in such a cruel manner when she married Frank.

Frank picked up the phone. Harm could almost see him comforting his mother.

“Harm, it’s really you?”

“Yes, Frank, just me. Is it okay if I come home for Christmas?”

“Harm, you never have to ask that! This is your home. It will be the best Christmas we’ve ever had.”

“I just wondered if you and Mom had planned a trip, or something, and didn’t want to make you change your plans if you had, but I am looking forward to seeing both of you. Can Mom talk now, or is she still crying?”

“Harmon Rabb, Jr., don’t you dare make fun of my crying. I haven’t seen my son in so long…”

“I know, Mom, but I will be home in a couple of days. And Mom, don’t fuss so much over me. I just want to spend this holiday with my family.” Harm wondered if his mother would catch his words.

Trish did indeed realize exactly what Harm had said, and her eyes filled with tears once again. She was so excited, she could hardly stand, but Frank had his arm around her waist, giving her the strength she didn’t have.

She also heard the melancholy tone of her son’s voice.

“What time are you…”

“Mom, don’t worry about picking me up. I’ll be there around noon on Friday.

That will give us plenty of time to finish your shopping.”

“All I care about is having you home, Harm. You’re the only present I want.

Frank is right. This will be the best Christmas we’ve ever had. I don’t know how I am going to make the time pass faster until you get here.”

“Well, I’ve missed your home cooking, Mom, so that should keep you busy. I’ll see you Sunday.”

“Harm, I’m looking forward to seeing you.”

“Me too, Mom.” Harm broke the connection.

Knowing he had made the right decision, he went over to the Evans house to give the girls, Kaitlyn and Ashley, their Christmas gifts, along with a nice chest he had made for Kelly. He had bought some tools for Greg, which he knew the younger man could not afford.

Returning home, Harm continued to hear Mac’s words from the previous night. Why would he hear her voice so clearly? They had always shared a special bond, but if Mac had found love with Webb, why would she say that she missed him? Had it been his imagination after all? Whatever it was, Mac was totally entrenched in Harm’s heart, and until he put closure to that part of his life, or by some miracle, find out that Mac was thinking of him as much as he was, then they would have to confront that bond between them. Forcing himself to forget her words that had been as clear as if she had been in the room with him, Harm wondered how Mac would spend her first Christmas with Webb. One way or another, Harm was now ready to accept the truth.

If Mac was happy in a new life, Harm had to let her go. He had to let her find the happiness she had wanted so much. He had never been able to tell her how much he loved her, and now, his only way of telling her was to allow her to be free of him and to find joy in Webb’s love for her. So, why then, did he still feel this very strong connection to her, a bond that seemed to be even stronger now? If she was indeed happy with her new life, that cord that held them together should have been broken long ago, and yet, he still felt it wrapped around his heart.

Trying to put Mac out of his mind, Harm took long walks in the wooded area he had come to love so much. He felt like an insignificant part of humanity when he walked through the tall pine trees, looked up at the sky, and became a part of the beauty around him. Still, when he took moonlit walks, he would look up at the stars, which seemed so very far away, yet close enough to reach up and touch, his thoughts always turned to Mac, to the smile that made his heart ache for her, and to the sound of her laughter. He vowed he would inquire about Mac, find out if she was happy, and if she was, leave her alone, and if not, perhaps meet with her, even just to talk, possibly even to put closure to their friendship.

His plans made, Harm looked forward to the next few days, and at the same time, he almost feared learning the truth about Mac. Harm accepted the fact that even if Mac was happily married, his heart would always belong to her, for even in a crowded room, there was an ache in his heart that would not end.



JAG HEADQUARTERS 17 DECEMBER 2003 0923 HOURS MAC’S OFFICE

Since the previous night, when Mac had put up a tree at Harm’s apartment, and heard his words so distinctly, so filled with love, she kept hearing his voice over and over, each time bringing him a little closer. The words seemed to have become as much a part of her as her own heartbeat. Something was going to happen, and Mac knew it. She could only hope that Harm would give her a chance to explain her actions in Paraguay.

Arriving at work on Wednesday morning, Mac went straight to her office, closed the door behind her and sat down at her desk. She could still hear Harm telling her that he missed her. She looked out and saw everyone busy, hurrying to finish their work prior to the upcoming holidays. Vacations had been planned since the beginning of the year, and now, as some of them worked their last day, you could see smiles of happiness everywhere. There was a big Christmas tree out in the bullpen. Somehow, the Christmas miracle always brought everyone closer, past hurts forgotten, and faces covered in smiles. Mac had debated on bringing the sweater she had bought for Harm, but decided against it, putting it under his tree instead. She had found a perfect card, expressing her feelings of being separated from him by the miles between them. She had added her very own special words at the bottom.

There was a brief meeting for the staff, since some of them would be gone until after the New Year began, while some had volunteered to keep the office open in case of emergencies. Mac always felt saddened by those who volunteered their presence because she knew that they didn’t have families or loved ones with whom to spend their holidays.

“Colonel, I understand you are scheduled to leave on Tuesday. Will the McClain case be carried over…”

“No, Sir. Petty Officer McClain accepted the deal offered to him. I just have to finish up some minor work and then sign off on it. I have one more case to complete before I take leave.” Everyone at the table noticed that Mac’s voice didn’t have the poignant tone it had since Harm’s departure.

“You will be coming to our home for Christmas Eve, won’t you”, Harriet asked

not wanting her friend to be alone. She had so hoped that Harm would contact her at this very special time. This was to be Harriet’s last day of work until after the New Year.

“I’ll be back in time from visiting Chloe to attend Mass with all of you. I just wish…” Mac’s voice became almost a whisper. How could she spend this special day without Harm, without her best friend, and the man she loved with all her heart by her side?.

“Good”, the admiral said, his voice gruff. “Then for those leaving today, I wish you all a Merry Christmas and for the rest of us, let’s get to work. Colonel, I’d like to see you in my office as soon as this meeting is over. I have a phone call to return, and then I’ll be ready for you.”

Since Harm’s sudden departure for Paraguay, followed by his seemingly permanent retirement, but mainly due to the fact that no one seemed to know where he was, the admiral had asked the staff members not to continue to fuss over Mac. She was dealing with the situation as best she could, and to have them continually inquiring about how she was, or if she had heard from Harm would only add to her sense of loss. It had been difficult for Harriet

but Bud had insisted that the Colonel needed to deal with the pain of losing Harm on her own, reminding her that he had had to deal with the loss of his leg in his own way, regardless of how much Harriet had tried to make things easier for him. Harriet had reluctantly agreed.

Tiner announced Mac to the admiral, following a phone call that had detained him for several minutes.

“Enter”, the admiral called out.

Mac entered, prepared to stand at attention, but saw the admiral motion for her to sit down. He took his glasses off, rubbed the bridge of his nose, then looked up at Mac.

“I’m breaking my own rules here, Colonel MacKenzie, but how are you doing?”

“As well as can be expected. I imagine the special holidays will get a little easier for me in time. I take it you haven’t heard anything from Harm, or his parents?”

“No, I wish I had, for your sake, Mac, more than anyone else, but you know we are all worried about him. I know you are scheduled to leave on Tuesday, but since your caseload is cleared, why don’t you take some extra days off? I know you prefer to work, but maybe spending more time with Chloe will help make things easier for you.”

“Working makes the days go by faster, but maybe I will. I’ll think about it

Sir. Oh, and Harm is okay. I know it. That’s why I know he’s alive and well, because I feel it so strongly. I may not ever hear from him again, but I will always know that he is well.”

AJ looked at Mac. It took all the discipline he had not to walk around his desk and take Mac in his arms to comfort her. He felt angry at Harm for putting Mac through so much agony, but then again, he remembered his vow never to second-guess him again. Instead, he looked over at Mac, amazed by the bond between them, for he knew that Harm, wherever he was, was just as miserable and lonely as she was.

“Well, you let me know, and of course, we will see you on Christmas Eve.”

“Yes, Sir, you will. Thank you, and I do promise to think about it. I still have a little bit of shopping to do, so taking off a few days earlier might be a good idea.”

Harriet and Mac went out to lunch, once again discussing the gifts they were buying for their loved ones. Seeing the tears shining in Mac’s eyes, Harriet quickly changed the subject.

“I imagine you will be glad to see Chloe again. She’s almost a grown up young lady now”, Harriet said.

“Don’t let her hear you say that”, Mac smiled wistfully. “She will tell you that she is a grown up woman already.” They both laughed and started talking about Chloe when Mac first found her, which immediately brought up memories of Harm.

“It’s okay, Harriet. I won’t lie and say it’s easy for me, but as I told the admiral, it will get better as time passes.”

“I just can’t believe he doesn’t even call you”, Harriet retorted, angrily, feeling a sudden urge to give a certain sailor a piece of her mind. “You don’t know the whole story, Harriet, so please, don’t judge or blame him. You are a happily married woman with a wonderful husband, but I imagine even you and Bud have arguments and it always takes two, doesn’t it?

Harm and I could just never talk about our feelings, and because of that, he’s gone and I’m…well…I guess we better get back to work, hadn’t we?” Mac couldn’t go on, knowing she was on the verge of crying, yet at the same time

once again hearing Harm tell her how much he missed her.

By 1600 hours, the bullpen began to look empty. The admiral had just walked by and told everyone he was leaving early. Harriet and Bud were getting ready to go home, leaving only Sturgis, Gunny and Tiner to keep her company.

There was a strange sense of ambiguity within Mac. She knew with certainty that Harm was alive and doing well, yet at the same time, she was filled with a loneliness, coming not only from her, but from the certainty that he was feeling the same way. She couldn’t understand it, but she settled for being sure that Harm was well. Mac looked up as Bud and Harriet walked past her office.

As Mac waved to Harriet, her phone rang. Hoping it wouldn’t be a call that would lead to her having to work late, she picked up the phone, immediately sensing Harm’s presence.

“MacKenzie”, Mac said into the phone, her voice hopeful, for like Harriet, she kept expecting Harm to call her even if it was just to wish her a Merry Christmas. It wasn’t Harm’s voice she heard.

“Colonel, this is Trish Burnett, Harm’s mother. Am I calling at a bad time?”

Mac’s hand started shaking, and her heart suddenly started pounding. Was she calling her with bad news? No, it couldn’t be.

“No, Mrs. Burnett, I was actually just cleaning up my desk to leave.”

“Would you prefer I call you at home, Colonel?”

“NO! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell. Please call me Mac. All my friends do. Is this about Harm?” Mac held her breath without even knowing it.

“Yes, it is. I was going to call the admiral, since he calls me as often as you do, but I’ve thought about it a lot, and well…”

Mac wanted to yell at Trish Burnett again. Just tell me, but don’t ramble on.

“The admiral is gone, but please, Mrs. Burnett, can you tell me?”

“If I’m to call you Mac, you have to call me Trish, and yes, I can tell you.

We heard from Harm early this morning. Mac, he’s coming home to spend Christmas with us.” Trish’s voice was breaking as she spoke. “He’s…I mean…Harm’s…safe”, Mac said, her voice a desperate whisper.

“Yes, dear, he is. He sounded wonderful. Oh, I could sense and hear the melancholia in his voice, but he was my Harm, and he’ll be here on Sunday.”

Mac put her head down on her desk, the phone sliding from her hand to the desk, the tears spilling over. He was safe, just as she had thought. She didn’t speak for over a minute.

“Mac, are you still there?”

“Yes. Forgive me, Trish, it’s just that, well, we haven’t heard from him in so long, that I can’t…I mean…it’s so good to know he’s well.”

“I don’t know if he’s that well, Mac, and I think only you can answer that question, which is why I chose to call you. I’d like to invite you to spend the week of Christmas with us. I know that I am asking a lot, being that you have probably made other plans, but I also know what I heard in my son’s voice. Please, Mac, Colonel Mackenzie, will you please talk to him. Both of you have to confront whatever it is between the two of you, and either walk away from each other knowing it is the only thing to do and put closure to your relationship, or find one another in the way I think is the only right way. Please don’t take me as a meddling mother. I just want to see my son happy.”

Once again, there was dead silence from Mac’s end of the line. A thousand emotions ran through her mind, running the gamut from intense anger to fear of loving him and an even greater fear of losing him forever. Could she take the chance? Could she go through this all over again, the agony of the last six months; the torture of the last seven years? Would he be angry to see her there if she did agree to go? Her mind kept asking questions that her heart kept answering in ways she didn’t want to think about.

“Mac?”

“I’m here, Mrs. Burnett. I can’t tell you how much I want to jump on the first plane out there just to see him with my own eyes and know that he is still my flyboy”, Mac’s voice stopped, unable to hold back the sobs. “I don’t know how he will feel about seeing me, Trish. I really don’t, and I won’t hurt him anymore than I already have.”

“Mac, I think both of you have hurt each other deeply, and this noble gesture from both of you is what’s keeping you apart. My son is stubborn, and he is terrified of loving someone else only to lose them again, and I don’t mean Diane, but you are the only one who can either make this bond between you one that will last through all eternity and embrace your love, or set each other free to move on with your lives. You can either stay here with us, or if you would feel more comfortable, we can find you a room at a nearby hotel. You don’t have to give me an answer now, but promise me you’ll think about it. Oh, and from the little that Harm told us, I don’t think he would want everyone to know where he is, which is the main reason I didn’t call the admiral.” “I wish I felt as confident as you do, but I do promise to think about it. I’ll call you from home and let you know my decision.”

“Thank you, Mac. I told Harm earlier that this was going to be the best Christmas ever, and if you are here, it will be even better. I’ll be waiting for your call.” Trish hung up quickly, not giving Mac the time to change her mind and tell her she couldn’t make it.

Trish had thought about Mac since the moment she had heard from Harm, and heard his voice. There was something missing. Harm always had a passion for life, a smile that could light up a room, and so much love in his heart that he was terrified of losing himself only to be hurt once again. He had a noble quality within him that was sometimes his own undoing. When he loved someone, he loved unconditionally. He did not judge; he did not condemn; he did not pressure, and in so doing, sometimes, he did not relate his own inner feelings. He would rather walk away from someone he loved if he believed that his presence in their lives was making them unhappy. Trish knew that Harm and Mac loved each other, but she had no idea just how powerful that love truly was to both of them. She also realized she was taking a big risk in inviting Mac to spend the week with them, which was why she hadn’t said anything to Frank about her idea.

So, she had made her decision. If they loved each other enough, and if Mac loved someone else, Harm would be hurt, but in time, perhaps he could find peace knowing she was happy. Trish had to do that for her son. She didn’t want him to disappear for another six months. Now, she could only wait to hear from Mac. She smiled, knowing she was doing it as much for Mac as for Harm. Mac’s continued calls inquiring about Harm were filled with a lot more than concern. For both their sakes, Trish felt they had to deal with whatever was keeping them apart, and either say goodbye, or find happiness together. Trish said a silent prayer that she had done the right thing.

MAC’S APARTMENT 2035 HOURS SAME DAY

Mac’s feelings had been a jumble of chaotic emotions. Why hadn’t Harm called her? If he didn’t call her, did he really want to see her? Was his mother reading more into what he had said because she loved him, or had Harm truly sounded sad? And if she did go, how would he react to seeing her after all this time? Could her heart take another blow? Did she even want to see him after all he had put her through? She knew the answer to that one. Yes, she wanted to see him. She wanted to touch his hand, to look into his eyes and get lost in them. She wanted to feel his arms around her.

Yet even as these thoughts penetrated her heart and soul, she also knew that it could mean the end of their friendship if they saw each other again.

She had to accept that risk, no matter how much she wanted Harm’s love. If he had loved her enough to give his career up; enough to leave her with Webb

believing she loved him; then Mac knew she had to love Harm enough to do the same thing. Mac felt herself weakening, knowing what she had to do.

“Trish is right”, Mac spoke to herself. “Harm and I have to either admit our feelings, perhaps even talk, even though I don’t want to talk. I just want him to hold me. Okay, just talk. I have to do this, or I will never forgive myself for not taking this opportunity. If we can’t make it work, perhaps it will be easier to walk away with my heart intact.”

Mac said the words, but she knew she was lying to herself. She didn’t want to walk away. She wanted to spend the rest of her life with Harm, loving him and being loved by him, having his children, growing old with him, and being a part of his life during the good times as well as the bad, through all eternity.

Her decision made, Mac called the admiral at home, apologizing for calling so late, and telling him that she would be taking extra time off after all. She didn’t tell him the truth, instead letting him believe she was spending it with Chloe. She called Chloe next. Although Chloe was disappointed, she accepted Mac’s decision without too much of an argument. Mac promised to visit her right after Christmas.

Mac then called the airport. It took several calls, but she was finally able to get a flight on Sunday morning. She was satisfied with that as she wanted to give Harm some private time to spend with his parents. She called several hotels, and gave up, hoping that Trish could find one for her. She didn’t really want to stay at their house, especially since she didn’t know how Harm would feel about her being present.

Picking up the phone one last time, Mac dialed the number for Trish Burnett.

“Trish Burnett.”

“Trish, it’s Mac.”

“I hope you are calling with good news”, Trish said, without even bothering to greet her properly.

“Well, yes, but there is a problem. I managed to get a flight out on Saturday as they were booked up after that, but I can’t find a hotel room, and I would rather not impose on your time with Harm. Is there anyway that you could possibly find a room for me?”

“You wouldn’t be imposing, but I’ll respect your concerns. Don’t worry about it, Frank will find you a room and may I say that you’ve just made Christmas even better.”

The phone call lasted thirteen minutes as Mac gave Trish all the details of her flight, arrival time, etc. Trish then invited Mac to have dinner with them on Saturday evening, but asked her to come around 5:00 PM.

“I still have some last minute shopping to do, so if we can eat around 5:30, then Frank and I can leave you and Harm to talk. And I do promise you that if Harm feels or even appears to look uncomfortable around you, or the other way around, Frank and I will stay here. I’m not doing this just for my son, Mac, but for you as well. Your calls every month have made me understand the depths of your feelings for Harm. So, whatever happens, my hopes are that you will both find what you need most.”

“I must admit, you’ve thought of everything, haven’t you? I’m looking forward to seeing you, actually meeting you for the first time. And I’m anxious to see Harm.” Mac smiled, not telling Trish that she would be counting the hours until Saturday evening.

Laughing happily, Trish and Mac hung up. Mac remembered Harm’s sweater, which was under his tree. She made a point of packing her new dress, a burgundy silk dress that she had planned on wearing to midnight mass. The silk material hugged her curves in all the right places. It had a matching coat, full and flirty. Mac had bought it at Harriet’s insistence, and now, as she packed her clothes, she was glad she had it. Mac had planned on spending the night over at Harm’s place anyway, so she changed clothes, took her suitcase with her, even though it would be three days before she left, then headed over to his apartment, taking candles and mistletoe to put in all the rooms.

As she walked in, she smiled as she saw the lights twinkling. She had purchased a timer so that the lights would come on at a certain time. There

under the tree, was the gaily- wrapped box with Harm’s new sweater. On impulse, Mac had bought a charm bracelet that had airplanes of all kinds on it. She had it wrapped, and now, she put it under the tree, a gift from Harm to her, even if she had bought it herself. She was playing games, and she knew it, but it made the emptiness and loneliness a little more bearable



Spending over an hour adding the new Christmas decorations, Mac looked around, finally satisfied that Harm’s apartment looked perfect, well, almost

Only Harm’s presence could really make it perfect. She had seen a model of an airplane just like Harm’s and planned on going out the next day to get it, adding it to his other gift.

Smiling wistfully, wishing Harm was here to tease her and give her his wonderful grin, a grin that made her knees shake and made her feel weak all over, Mac walked over to the kitchen, fixed some hot chocolate, took out the pastries she had not eaten the night before, and changed into Harm’s tee shirt. It felt almost as if his arms were around her, holding her close. She sat on the couch, her legs tucked comfortably under her, her heart suddenly feeling like it hadn’t felt for a very long time.

“Oh, Mac, if only you would be waiting for me”, Harm’s voice came loud and clear, no longer startling Mac. It was almost as if she had expected to hear him.

Mac smiled. She didn’t look around, knowing Harm wasn’t standing there, but she knew he was thinking about her.

“I will be waiting for you, Harm, with open arms.” Mac drank her chocolate and ate half of her pastry.

Whatever the bond was between them, Harm was talking to her, and however much he might want to forget her, it was as impossible for him to do as it was for her to forget him. Recalling the first day they met, in the Rose Garden of the White House, Mac had looked into his eyes and knew that she belonged to him. At that time, she didn’t quite know how, but with a certainty she had never known, she knew he would always be a part of her life. She finally dropped off to sleep on the sofa as the radio played “I’ll be home for Christmas.”

HARM’S CABIN WEDNESDAY NIGHT SAME TIME

Having taken care of everything he had to do for his upcoming trip, he checked in with his Commander-in-Chief, who had been apprised of his plans as soon as they were finalized. Wishing Harm a Merry Christmas and a good trip, Harm’s new boss hung up the phone.

Remembering how excited his mother had sounded, Harm felt a little guilty for not visiting her sooner, but he knew that he would not have been ready for anything. Harmon Rabb, Jr. had spent most of his life hurting the people he loved, at times pushing them away, all because of one incident in his life, one that he would not downplay even now, but one he understood so much better. He just wished that he could talk to Mac about all the things he had discovered about himself. Instead, he smiled as he thought about his mother.

“She deserves a lot better than you’ve given her,” Harm reflected.

As he rested on the bed, listening to Christmas carols, watching the fire dance in the fireplace, he could see Mac’s face, smiling, her eyes filled with love. That day in the Rose Garden, the first time he had looked into those eyes, Harm knew that someone very special had entered his life. The shock of her uncanny resemblance to Diane had been a momentary one, and then it was Mac he saw, and only Mac. Looking over at his tree, he recalled that Mac had always helped him put up a tree in his apartment, just as he helped her. Was Webb helping her now, hanging up the ornaments, holding on to Mac as she put the angel on top of the tree?

Memories of Christmas’ spent with Mac filled his heart with love, making Harm wish he was going home to Washington, to his apartment. It must be so bare, so empty now, even though he had never given it up. There were too many memories there for him to let it go just yet. But why go back to his apartment? The only reason it was special was because Mac made it so, with her smile, their bantering, the friendship which both of them realized was much more, but never willing to take the next step. Harm sighed deeply.

“Oh, Mac, if only you would be waiting for me”, Harm said the words aloud.

“I will be waiting for you, Harm, with open arms”, Mac’s voice sounded like an angel’s, making Harm smile. Even now, she was still answering him, even though it was only in his mind. There was a very special connection between them, one that allowed them to communicate, however unlikely, with the other. Although Harm was going home to visit his mother, he felt as if he was going home to Mac, to her arms, to a love that somehow refused to fade away.

He closed his eyes, seeing Mac’s beautiful, velvety brown eyes, the sultry look that she would get when she looked at him. Suddenly, he felt the touch of her lips on the admiral’s porch, that night so long ago. It was that thought that he took with him as he went to sleep.

Attempting to make the time pass faster during the next two days, Harm continued his long walks, even into the night, and Mac was always with him. He felt her presence almost as surely as if she was standing next to him. The next two days went by quickly, and soon it was Sunday morning, and Greg drove Harm to the airport. Flying up above the clouds, Harm felt his life was about to change drastically, and for the first time, he felt no fear, no apprehensions or doubts about the changes in his life. The one regret he had was that Mac would not share the changes in whatever his new life would bring.

Harmon Rabb was finally going home. He wondered what his life would be like now. Would he be able to return to his cabin, a place he had grown to love?

He looked out the window as the clouds floated by, seeing Mac’s smiling face everywhere he looked. As the miles passed, her presence seemed so much stronger, until finally, Harm had to get up, just to remind himself that he was going home to his family, not to Mac. His heart didn’t listen.

Continue to Part II