By Christine
You always hurt the one you love
1530 EST
“What are you doing here, Harriet?”
Harriet looked at her friend. She knew the other woman wasn’t asking
what she was doing at her apartment; that was obvious. She was helping
Mac with some last minute details for the wedding. (Twenty-six days to
go and counting…) What her friend really wanted to know was something that
Harriet was wondering herself.
“I’m here, Mac” Harriet began proud of herself for not stumbling over
Mac’s name. She had practiced that for days. “I’m here because I’m your
friend.” It was now or never, Harriet thought. Might as well get everything
out now. Only twenty-six days left.
“I’m here because I once told you that you were like a sister to me.
You are, and I love you like one. I’m here because you stood up for me
as maid of honor at my wedding. You stood up to me when I wanted to back
out. You are godmother to my child, and I love and respect you enough to
name…my second child after you.” That was difficult to get out. There was
still an ache in her soul whenever Harriet thought about Baby Sarah.
Swallowing past the lump in her throat, Harriet finished, “I’m here
because you asked me to be here.”
Mac gave a watery smile, touched by Harriet’s words. Leaning across
the couch to grasp her hand, she said, “And that is still the nicest thing
anyone has ever said to me. Thank you, Harriet.”
The lists and brochures were forgotten, scattered across the table in
haphazard piles. The pizza and chocolate were long since eaten. Flopping
back onto the couch, Mac continued, still looking for…validation. “What
am I doing here, then?”
To that Harriet had no answer. Deciding that this was the best time
to be honest and figuring that she had nothing to lose, she said, “I don’t
know, Mac. I always thought…” Should she or shouldn’t she? This may be
her last chance, and truefully, all she wanted was for her friend to be
happy.
“All I want is for you to be happy, Mac. That’s why I’m here. If Mic
makes you happy, then I’m with you 100%. If this is what you want, if this
is the life you want, then I’ll stand behind you. But I always thought
that you and the Commander would get together.” She hadn’t practiced using
Harm’s name nearly as much.
Harriet watched as a thousand thoughts and feelings raced across Mac’s
face, heard a sigh that could only be of the heartbroken, and hoped that
Bud was having better luck. “It’s a really long story, Harriet.”
Bud took another sip of his beer. When he had suggested this day with
Harm, he hadn’t thought it would end up quite this way. Harm was putting
up a front that even baby AJ could see through and it was downright depressing.
Taking another fortifying drink, and praying that this evening wouldn’t
end with his best friend hating him, Bud plunged in. “Harm,” he had been
practicing, too. “Do you want to talk about it?” Only twenty-six days left.
Bud had a pretty good idea what was bothering the other man, but shouting
at him to open his eyes probably wasn’t going to help. A subtle approach
might work, not that it had so far; now if Bud could work on his subtly.
Harm turned from the window where he had been contemplating the alley.
Bud meant well, he knew. But Harm wasn’t really in the mood to talk about
it. He never had actually talked about it before, always keeping it bottled
up inside as if releasing it would cause an explosion on the magnitude
of Mount St. Helen’s.
Shaking his head, prepared with the patent nothing’s wrong speech, Harm
was no more surprised then Bud when “How much time do you have, Bud? It’s
a really long story,” slipped out of his mouth.
Doing his best not to choke on the swallow of beer, Bud cleared his
throat and replied, “As long as you want to talk. You’ve been there for
me since the beginning. You encouraged me both personally and professionally.
You were best man at my wedding and are the godfather to my son. I once
said I loved you. Well, I do, Harm. You are like a brother to me. Much
as I love Mikey, though, you are closer to me then he is. So whatever it
is that’s bothering you, I’d like to help.”
The smile that graced his face was fleeting, but was his first genuine
one in ages. “It’s a really long story, Bud.”
And so it began. They hadn’t meant it to get this far. Hell, they hadn’t
meant for any of it to happen, really. But they decided to try it once.
Just to see. After all, what could be the harm? No pun intended. And there
wasn’t, not really. They both knew the game. But it lasted longer then
either expected.
Once wasn’t enough.
And he could ignore whatever this was for that long. Right?
“Permission to come aboard?”
But that wasn’t meant to be. Her transfer had been permanent, or as
permanent as transfers in the United States Marine Corps go, and they had
become partners. Whatever weird magnetism had been between them had only
intensified. They ignored it as best they could, joking, teasing, friendly;
after all, it wouldn’t do for something to happen when they worked so closely
together. That was against the rules, against his moral code, against hers.
(A fine point she would later argue with him.)
He first realized that she meant something more to him when Private/
Corporal Jason Magida had taken her hostage in the Admiral’s office along
with the Admiral and Bud.
What was it the Admiral had said? “Well, don’t get to close, you’re
going to be working together.” The man saw entirely too much.
And he had tried, honestly. But he hadn’t counted on the…attraction…between
himself and a certain Marine Major.
Attraction was one thing, and something that could be ignored or accepted
at will. Something that could be dealt with or forgotten. Harm believed
himself a strong-minded, strong willed individual. He believed himself
to be strong enough, moral enough, to ignore whatever it was that flared
between him and Mac every time she so much as walked into the room. Looked
at him, smiled at him.
He was wrong.
He wasn’t that strong, he couldn't ignore it, he didn't know how to
deal with it, he was damn sure he could never forget it. But how did one
go about accepting such a life-altering occurrence? Harm didn't know, and
now, lying here with her in his arms, breathing in the scent of her, of
them, he decided that he didn’t want to be that strong.
She had decided on a peace offering, something that she normally didn’t
bother with. Mac didn’t care what others thought of her, she never got
that close to anyone. Never. The only exception was her uncle. But this
Navy Lieutenant Commander was a different story. Somehow, without her realizing
it, he had gotten under her skin, had burrowed deep under the walls that
surrounded her and had somehow managed to become a part of her life in
an incredibly short amount of time.
They had eaten, joked, laughed, friendly. And after the remnants of
their dinner had been cleared away, it seemed so, too, had any military
regulation. Mac couldn’t remember how it happened, they were still sitting
on the bed, the only clean surface in the place; one minute they were laughing
at Harm’s stunt with the gun and Rear Admiral Morris’ reaction. She had
already corrected him on her reaction. And the next his lips were on hers
and nothing could break them apart.
Fire erupted between them, engulfing them, carrying them away from any
semblance of reality. And they had embraced it. Letting themselves be carried
away on that wave. His mouth feasting on her breast, lapping the nipple
with his tongue. His hands stroking her body soft and teasing here, hard
and demanding there. As if he already knew all the ways to pleasure her,
all her secrets. Gently he scrapped his teeth over the straining nipple,
causing her to gasp his name in pleasure.
Grabbing his ears, she angled his mouth back to hers, savoring every
taste, every texture. This couldn’t last. It was a one-time case of insanity.
Blazing a hot opened mouth trail across his jaw, down his neck, Mac
relished every taste, every moan, every ounce of pleasure. Harm’s finger
slowly circled her clit, tormenting her. “Please, Harm.” It was a strangled
whimper, and when he acquiesced and his fingers found her center, she bucked
against his hand from the sheer pleasure of it. Her teeth sank into his
shoulder, even as the first waves of her orgasm washed over her.
“Tell me what you want, Mac. Tell me you want this as much as I do.”
She nodded. Her voice lost somewhere in her pleasure. Flipping them
over, she straddled him and as their eyes locked, sank over him. Into him.
He filled her, completed her. Mac smiled as he gasped, closing his eyes,
a thousand emotions racing across his face, finally settling on such pleasure
it took her breath away to know she was the one to bring him to that.
His hand found her again as she rode them both to the highest height
of pleasure, and moments later he followed her over a two-pronged edge.
Things would never be the same for them again.
But now, as they lay in each other’s arms, the aftershocks of their
pleasure fading into the night, Major Sarah MacKenzie didn’t care. They’d
deal with the consequences later.
“I was just…” he trailed off, not sure what it was that he was doing.
He had just had the most incredible sex of his life, and he didn’t know…anything.
“We can either talk about it or ignore it.” Her hand hesitated for just
a moment, then gently caressed his face, bringing a smile to his lips.
“If we talk about it does this mean we can do it again?”
“On the other hand, if we ignore it, maybe it’ll go away?”
“Something like that. I don’t know, Mac. I didn’t plan for this to happen.”
“I know. Neither did I. But it did, and now we either deal with it,
or go on like normal.”
He didn’t want that. On the other hand, he wasn’t sure what he did want.
Restlessly he moved his hand on her back, slow circles, up and down, causing
her to sigh. “Can we go on like normal? Can I walk into the office tomorrow
and look at you and pretend that this never happened?”
He rolled them over, his hands roaming over a body already ready for
him. “Can I hear your laugh, that deep throaty, sexy sound that sends shivers
up my spine and forget the little catch in your throat when I hit a particularly
sensitive curve on your body.” His long fingers flitted lightly over her
quivering stomach and he smiled when her breath did indeed catch in the
back of her throat.
“Or what you taste like here, your shoulder, your neck.” It was sweeter
then any ambrosia he could imagine.
Despite her harsh breathing, her whimpers and moans, her pleas for more,
Harm continued. “Or here, Mac, the pounding beat of your heart.” His lips
lingered on the pulse beating on her throat, tongue flickering over it
again and again, driving her wild.
Moving down her body, he continued. “Or how your breasts, so full, so
round, fit into my hand like they should always be there.” He took one
into his palm to demonstrate. “Or that sexy sound you made just now as
you know that I’m about to do this.” He rubbed his thumb over the nipple
straining for the touch.
He leaned closer to take it into his mouth, sucking, biting, pulling
with his teeth until she screamed his name into the stillness of his half
finished apartment. His breathing quickened as he heard his name on her
lips. “Or the sound of you screaming my name as I bring you pleasure.”
And he wasn’t done, not by a long shot. He continued, first lapping
the other nipple, again bringing a breathy moan from Mac’s lips, continuing
lower, his hands spanning her waist, the dip right before her hips flared.
“Your skin is so smooth, so soft.” His thumbs played over the skin, up
and down. Up, brushing the underside of her breast, down to just above
her curls. “Am I going to be able to forget how it, how you, felt under
my fingertips? How you’re silk over steel. Woman over Marine.”
She was going crazy. He was driving her insane with his touch. Her hands
clawed at the sheets as he gripped her thighs. “Such strength here. But
am I going to be able to think about that as we sit in our offices and
talk about some inane legal something or other? No, I’m going to remember
how right here,” his hand stroked up her leg to her center. “Right here
where all your secrets are, how you scream my name as I do this.”
And so saying, he lowered his mouth to her, smiling as he heard the
hoarse cry fall from her lips, even as he drove her higher. His tongue
invaded her, once, twice, only to be replaced by his oh, so clever hands
as he took her clit into his mouth, rolling it between his teeth.
The orgasm hit her, exploded through her, forcing her mind to empty
of everything but Harm. His scent, his hands, his taste. She felt him kiss
his way back up her body until his mouth was next to her ear. Felt him
reach for the box of condoms on the nightstand. She tried to open her eyes,
but found she couldn’t.
“Or how you fly as you come, falling over a cliff I raised you on, only
to fall into my arms.” And he entered her in one swift stroke.
Incredibly, Mac could feel herself build towards another orgasm. She
wrapped her legs high on Harm’s waist, holding him closer. Pulling him
deeper into her. His hands found her again, stroking, coaxing, and this
time they flew off the edge together.
No, they couldn’t forget. But they could ignore.
Harriet was glad that she had stopped drinking any kind of liquid when
Mac had started her story. She was choking on pure air right now, and thought
that water would only exasperate the problem. Mac must have noticed her
expression, because she gave a rueful smile.
“Yeah, shocked the hell out of us, too. It wasn’t expected we really
weren’t going to act on it. It just sort of…happened.” She gestured helplessly
with her hand, trying to encompass as much as she could. “Afterward I made
quite the case to myself against ever doing it again. I don’t think any
judge in the world would have believed me.”
How, Harriet wondered, had they slept together and then…and no one ever
knew? All this time….“How?” She was reduced to monosyllabic words.
Mac looked at her, “How what? How could we do that? And then ignore
it? Do you remember when you first met me? How closed off I was?”
At the other woman’s reluctant nod, Mac continued. “I hadn’t really
opened up to Harm. To anyone, really. I trusted Harm to a certain extent,
trusted him to watch my back, trusted him as far as I allowed myself to,
in court. I had…issues that I’m probably still dealing with. Some major
trust and insecurity issues. I couldn’t allow myself to get close to anyone,
that would mean opening up to them with things from my past I wasn’t able
to accept myself. And if I couldn’t accept, then how could I ask anyone
else to?” She started to pace as she tried to put into words all she had
felt, then and now, when she didn’t fully understand it herself.
“But this thing between us, it was just this weird sexual tension that
we decided to explore instead of ignore. It was only meant to be the one
night. We had agreed to that.” She paused. “Well, it was an unspoken agreement.
Neither of us mentioned it later, and our friendship, such as it was, continued
on it shaky course.”
Bud looked at his empty beer bottle, wondered just how much he had already
drank, and set it down. Oh, my God. This was NOT the story he had expected
to hear. A love neither admitted to, yes.
Regrets about the past year and a half, most definitely.
Years worth of pent-up longing and sexual tension, that much was obvious.
The fact that they had already slept together…not in this universe.
Harm gave a rueful chuckle. “Yeah, that was pretty much our reaction,
too. It wasn’t planned, just one of those things. We figured that if we…slept
together once, then it’d be out of our systems, and we could go on from
there. It made perfect sense at the time.”
He started to pace. “We were such private people that even in the most
intimate of settings we couldn’t open up to each other. It was meant to
be just sex; an unemotional physical release to push that aspect
of our relationship out of the way so we could move on, be partners, friends.”
Restless, not sure what he was feeling now, let alone then, Harm tried
to continue. “It was just supposed to be one night. We’d do it, so to speak,
maybe laugh about it, definitely enjoy it, and that would be the end of
it. No complications, no commitments, no expectations.”
She let out a huge sigh. “God, it did. We argued over the most trivial
of things, because it was easier to do that then to admit….”
Harm stopped his pacing and picked up his forgotten beer, finishing
it in one long swallow. “Maybe I should’ve listened to my brain and followed
the rules, after all.”
But they couldn’t. Serving their country was too important to them;
too important to whom they were, what they had made themselves into, to
throw it all away.
So they ignored it.
Despite close quarters on too many investigations, despite some truly
spectacular arguments, they disregarded anything else between them, concentrating
solely on their job.
Until Ireland.
Maybe it was the beauty of the country. Maybe it was the heartbreak
of the terrorist father at never seeing the woman he loved and their child
again. Maybe it was any number of things. But they couldn’t stop themselves.
Despite their mutual unvoiced resolve to ignore it and hope it went away,
they simply couldn’t.
“Yeah.” Harm said even as his mouth descended on hers, cutting off any
other protestations that might have made them stop what they were doing.
Tonight, right at that moment, thinking was highly overrated.
They fell back onto the bed, never losing contact with each other, frantic
to shed the last barriers of clothing, just to feel, to touch.
“God, Mac, please tell me that you have something…” Harm trailed off
pulling his mouth from hers as she chuckled.
“Leave it to the Marines to bail out the Navy once again.” She rolled
off him and rummaged through her bag.
Not even questioning her, or her preparedness, Harm took the foil package
from her and rolled it on.
They were too far gone, too involved with each other, in each other
to bother with any kind of foreplay. That could wait. Days, weeks, of flirting,
of remembering, of barely touching for sanity’s sake had worked them up
into such a state, that nothing could have stopped them. And they let nothing
in that would have.
“Harm!” The name tumbled off her lips as he entered her. How had she
gone this long without him? How had she survived? Gripping his hands in
hers, Mac forced her eyes open even as the first wonderful wave of pleasure
washed over her. Their eyes locked as he pounded into her, just this side
of too rough, desperation running through the both of them.
He lowered his mouth to hers, their lips fused as surely as their bodies.
She wrapped her strong legs around his hips so slender, so muscular. God,
but she loved his body. The firmness, the agility, the strength. Meeting
him thrust for thrust, all finesse gone, lost in their moment of passion.
In the need to find release.
She could pinpoint the instant his control broke, and delighted that
she could do that to him. A second later Harm disentangled their hands
to instead grasp her thighs in a bruising grip. Mac didn’t care, in fact
reveled in it.
Bending her knees, pushing them back almost to her chin, Harm growled
low in his throat, “I couldn’t ignore it, ignore you.” Even as he continued
to pound into her, harder, deeper, faster.
Her breath was backed up, she barely gasped out, “I know.” Before something
snapped inside of her and she was spiraling out of control, screaming his
name with her release.
It was a frightening feeling, even as the most extraordinary sensations
coursed through her system.
Neither moved for a long time. They lay there, glued together with sweat
and passion as their bodies cooled, their minds tried to function again.
Mac wrapped her arms around Harm’s back, holding him close despite his
weight, despite her fear. But only for a moment before letting her hands
drop away.
“I thought it would go away.” Hoped, prayed it would.
Harm shifted his head to look at her, pulled away, distancing himself.
“I know. So did I.”
“What are we going to do now?” She didn’t know what she wanted to do
as she lay on her back staring up at the ceiling. She wanted to run and
hide, curl up in a ball and shroud herself in that wonderful shield she
had always worn. She wanted to shout from the rooftops, free from the restrictions
that she had used to govern her life ever since Uncle Matt had rescued
her from herself.
She wanted him again.
“I don’t know. We tried the ignoring part, tried to be just friends.”
Leaning his head on a hand, Harm stared at her profile. He wanted to touch
her, but without the safety net of passion, he didn’t know how. Smiling
that gorgeous smile of his, he continued, “I think we fooled everyone else.”
A weak chuckle escaped Mac. “Yeah. But it’s sometimes hard to look at
you and…remember.”
“I know. I thought… I thought that one night was going to be enough.
I thought that once we…made love, I’d have you out of my system.”
“I thought wrong, too. Harm…” Mac trailed off, not knowing what to say
or how to go about saying it, wondering if she’d ever get enough of this
man. Smiling, determined to play the game to its logical end, she moved
into his arms and finished, “We have the rest of the weekend. Let’s see
what happens.”
And as the plane made its way back to DC, they shifted themselves back
into their roles, afraid that someone would see passed their façade.
Afraid that façade would crack. Slipping their masks of impartiality,
of friendship back into place. Securing their hearts and souls from being
breached with a fire that was all consuming…that was necessary.
This could never happen again.
They had both said it, out loud and to themselves.
They both believed it.
They both ignored it.
“Spend the day with me,” Harm had said one evening. They were doing
the friend/ partner thing, eating dinner while they looked over their case
notes. Ignoring the electricity that was bouncing between them. They hadn’t
touched each other since their wonderful, but ultimately too short weekend
in Ireland.
“Yes.” So simple, it was so simple to forget and just feel. Why had
she never let herself do that before? Because of the fear tumbling in her
belly, flowing throw her veins, concealing her heart.
“We'll go flying.”
“Flying? In what?”
“My Stearman, of course.”
“When?”
“Tomorrow. We’ll take the day off, play hooky.”
“Yes.” He didn’t miss the double entendre.
The smile she sent him lightened up his entire world. He couldn’t resist
it, her. Seeing the change in his eyes, feeling it all around her, Mac
leaned forward to touch his lips with hers. “Harm,” was all she said. All
she could say.
“Yes,” he said, and picked her up and carried her into his bedroom.
There was no rush this time. Somehow they both knew, and on some level,
understood that whatever it was between them wasn't going to go away no
matter how fast and furious the pace.
So they kept the pace slow, soft. Tasting here where the neck met the
shoulder, lingering there over the heartbeat. Mac could feel the liquid
pulls deep inside her demanding release, but was determined to explore
his body, to bring him the pleasure she wanted him to experience from her
hands, her lips, her body.
Her hands wandered, caressing a sigh from his lips. Her mouth stroked,
engulfed his arousal. Her name, a harsh cry on his lips, was the sweetest
sound Mac had ever heard.
Slowly, to torture them both, she kissed her way back up his body, ending
with their mouths fused together, trying to devour each other. She reached
across him to the nightstand and fumbled with the box of condoms. If they
kept this up they were going to need a steady supply. Straddling him she
began to rock slowly back and forth. “Tell me what you want, Harm.”
In answer he placed his hands on her hips, stilled her movements. The
torture was exquisite. “I want you, slow and sweet, fast and hard. I just
plain want the hell out of you. It’s…bothersome.”
She nodded in agreement even as he leaned forward, scooted to rest against
the headboard, bringing them torso to torso. Slowly Harm lifted her up
until only the tip of him was inside of her. Then slammed her back down.
Mac gripped his shoulders, steadying herself for the next onslaught. They
didn't have to wait long.
The last thing Mac remembered before her body exploded was Harm screaming
her name.
It was the first time they had touched for any extended period after
making love. On a subconscious level, they realized it, accepted it. At
the same time desperately trying to figure out what came next in order
to back away from it as quickly as possible.
The next step in the evolution of their relationship was too huge to
contemplate.
Mac turned in his arms, a small smile gracing her face. “A symbol that
I can and did rise above my past. The legend of the phoenix states that
from the ashes the bird shall rise again. From the ashes of my past, I
rose and became something better, something I could be proud of, something
that others could see and think, “There’s someone who made something of
herself.” I couldn’t have done that alone, without Uncle Matt…” she trailed
off, thinking about her uncle, about her past.
Harm said nothing, simply tightening his arms around her while she dealt
with her memories. Maybe someday she’d trust him enough to tell him everything.
Maybe someday he’d trust her enough, too.
“I’m ready, I’m ready. Give me a boost, Harm?” Mac asked, sending a
slow seductive smile over her shoulder. She really didn’t need help getting
into the plane, and would have told anyone else just that. But she wanted
to feel his hands on her again if only for a moment.
The old mechanic smiled as he watched the Commander and his lady friend
laughing in the early morning light. Not the commander’s usual type, there,
he thought. There was something between the two of them that had been missing
in the other young women he had taken flying. Here was friendship, laughter,
comfort, intimacy. Not the obvious flirting and… transparency so prevalent
in those others.
Turning back to his equipment, the mechanic smiled and thought, I hope
he knows what he has there.
But that had been before the poachers, before Mac had been shot. Before,
before, before. As he carried her across the mountain, he fervently prayed
that because he had wanted her too much, wanted to spend time with her.
Needed her more than he ever thought it possible to need another human
being; that she wasn’t going to be taken away from him. Not when she was
finally starting to open up to him about her past, finally starting to
trust him, personally as well as professionally.
“Please, God. Please.” He chanted over and over again as he fixed the
line and started the plane.
Suddenly they were in the air, and Harm thanked God. Laughing with absolute
joy at being alive, he couldn’t help making Mac sweat over the name of
his plane.
“Do you still love her?” He could hear the jealously in her voice, and
smiled wider.
“I’m crazy about her.” Then, taking pity, clarified, “She’s my grandmother.”
Later as they landed, Harm thought of the irony. Sarah Rabb was one
of the most important women in his life. He had named his beloved Stearman
after her. It didn’t get past him that another woman in his life was also
named Sarah; and it was rapidly becoming clear that she was another very
important person in his life.
The fear that pitched and rolled in his stomach wasn’t nearly as oppressive
as it was even a few weeks ago.
“I still can’t believe you ditched me that day, Harm.” What Bud couldn’t
believe was that Harm was telling him this. He was torn between hearing
more and hoping it was all a bad dream.
“Don’t give me that look, Bud.” Harm said, even though he hadn’t turned
from the window in the last thirty minutes. But Harm found that once he
started, he couldn’t stop. He found he needed, for reasons he was unsure
of, to relive the memories outside of his own mind, and Bud was certainly
a captive audience. Only twenty-six days left.
“You know, I tried to convince both that young kid, I forget his name,
and the mechanic that you and the Co…Mac were just friends. Neither believed
me. I can understand the mechanic, now. He’d seen you with Mac.” This name
thing was getting easier. It was pretty hard to call your superior officer
by her rank when you heard all about her… Bud was not going there. “But
the kid? He had never met either of you!”
Harriet wanted to hear more. After several years of marriage and a child,
she needed to live vicariously through her best friend. Bud was wonderful,
in and out of bed, no mistaking that. But making love to your husband no
matter how good he was wasn't nearly as exciting as hearing about a hot,
steamy, secret affair between two of your closest friends. One that they
conducted right under your nose. She’d get Mac back for that later. After
she heard all the juicy details.
Mac laughed at Harriet's expression. “What?”
“All this time…you and the - Harm? And you never told me? I’d be crushed
if it wasn’t so exciting to hear about now.” Scooting closer, she urged
her friend on. “Spill it, Marine. I need to hear the rest.”
“It was pretty much down hill from there, Harriet. Life and death does
that to you, makes you reevaluate things. God knows I tried to find someone
else, tried to get Harm out of my system. I know Harm tried as well. You
remember the NATO ball, right? That spoiled princess what’s –her –name…Princess
Alexandra, who in the end turned out to be a decent human being. But Megan
O’Hara, the assassin. That was a different story.”
An on going theme in Bud’s opinion. He wanted to ask what it was Harm
felt for Mac now, but he wanted to hear the rest of the story first. Then
he’d interrogate the witness.
“The assassin, Megan O'Hara or whatever her real name was, she had moved
into the apartment below mine. Nothing happened, I doubt anything would
have. But I wanted something to. I wanted to feel something for another
woman. Wanted to show myself and Mac, that whatever it was between us that
was slowly consuming us wasn’t…wasn’t permanent. Was something that could
and would end whenever we wanted it to.” Was something that he could live
without.
Harm didn’t mention the princess. Didn’t mention that he had felt nothing
towards her, despite her blatant attempts at seduction. It had annoyed
him, at the time, knowing that she was only a job and that he felt nothing
for her outside of those confines.
“Okay, I really don’t know why I said that, nor why he replied like
he did. I don’t understand anything more now then I did then, but at least
then I knew where I stood. Sort of. Anyway, back to the story. After the
ball…he had held that woman in his arms as she died…and we needed each
other.”
He was desperate. Desperate to feel alive, to feel free. And he knew
he could be all of those things and more in her arms. Knew that just the
taste of her would allow him to feel as if he had done all he could to
save the princess. To save that woman. It was important to him to feel
needed, to always rush to the rescue and save the day. Be the hero.
But holding Mac in his arms, peeling that long black dress off her,
exposing her pale gold skin to his hungry eyes, seeking hands, Harm realized
something else.
He needed Sarah Mackenzie, too.
Needed her strength, her passion. Her control. Needed her so much that
he was already emotionally pulling back even as he physically pulled her
against him. He craved her touch, her taste, as much as he craved her friendship
and companionship.
Conversely he was afraid of just those qualities. He was afraid that
she wouldn’t need him, not as much as he needed her. That if he wasn’t
the one to pull back first, she would be and he didn’t know how to handle
that.
But tonight he needed her. And she let him. Let him use her to feel
alive, to feel…anything. Everything.
He wasn’t gentle, but she didn’t mind. Too much pent-up anger, fear,
longing for that. Seeing him risk his life to save a stranger, knowing
he was torn up inside over the death of another only added another layer
to her feelings. To her fear. Only added to the relief that he was unhurt.
That he was alive. That it wasn’t his blood that stained the carpet, wasn’t
his life that was taken.
But she wasn’t going to think about that now. She was only going to
feel. To allow him to feel.
His mouth was hard and demanding on hers, his hands molding her flesh.
Her dress was tossed across the room, and for just a split second Harm
drank in her beauty. The garters with little roses on them, the black lace,
the firm muscles, the soft skin.
He was using her, greedy for more. He wanted to stop, but couldn’t.
Something drew him to her, some invisible bond that wound its way around
him tying him securely to her.
Even as she pulled him closer, her heart was pushing him away.
Mac didn’t care. She wanted him, wanted what he offered her, the physical
release. And if it wasn’t enough, there was only a tiny part of her that
could acknowledge that. Acknowledge that nothing short of everything would
be enough. She shut that part off, not yet ready to face all the implications.
And allowed Harm to lead her to the bed even as his mouth and hands
dragged her over that first delicious peak.
It was fast, it was rough. It was enough for both of them to expel that
initial fear to take their time later in the night. When they came together
the second time, it was soft and sweet. Something meant to tear down walls
and barriers, something meant to show caring, to show love.
For whether or not they admitted it, the caring and love was there.
But for the two intensely private people who were sleeping wrapped so tightly
in each other’s arms it was impossible to tell where one ended and the
other began, it wasn’t enough to break through the walls enclosing their
hearts.
To erase years of hiding.
He left early that morning, long before the sun slanted its first rays
over the sleeping city. She had rolled over and watched him dress. He glanced
at her once, soft and naked with only a sheet covering her. He was tempted
to climb back into her bed, to kiss her all the way awake, to watch the
sunrise with her.
If she asked, he might’ve stayed. But she didn’t, didn’t say one word.
So he finished dressing, picking up the blood spattered garments rolled
into a tight ball. They had stared at each other for a moment or two, neither
saying a word. Finally Harm flashed her a smile, walked over to her, placed
a gentle kiss on her lips, said, “See you soon,” and walked out of the
bedroom, leaving a very surprised Marine sitting up in the middle of her
bed.
She took another sip and splashed some on her cheeks, trying to cool
her heated face. “You lied!” She accused her friend, not sure if she was
angry at the lie from so long ago or shocked beyond belief that what they
all saw between the friends was…real.
“Not really, Harriet. You asked if Harm and I were seeing each other,
were romantically involved with each other.” Mac had to smile. She remembered
that conversation well. “What I said was that we were just friends.” Holding
up a finger to forestall the next onslaught, she said, “At the time we
were. It was just sex. Incredible, mind blowing, sex, but just sex nonetheless.”
“You’re splitting hairs here, Colonel.”
Mac nodded readily. “I know.”
Harm laughed, feeling better then he had in weeks, months. Who knew
talking about this, exposing the secret, could make him feel so much better?
That seeing the completely befuddled look on his friend’s face would have
made his night? Christ, if he had known that he would have told Bud ages
ago.
“That was different, Bud. You and Harriet, well, it was different between
the two of you. You two didn’t have the pasts that Mac and I do, didn’t
have all those obstacles we placed in our paths. You wanted to be together,
we…. It was easier for us to pretend nothing happened, to go on like we
didn’t need each other. To pretend during the daylight hours that what
we were, the only thing we were, were friends. Only together, alone, could
we even begin to acknowledge anything else.”
Smiling again, Harm decided to go for broke, tell his friend everything
“Do you remember when we had to bail Webb out in Columbia? Carlos Estruga
and his gang?”
Bud nodded. He hated that assignment.
“I bought her a bracelet there, heavy silver with three deep green emeralds.”
Harriet gasped, her eye automatically assessing the stones as Mac clasped
on the piece of jewelry. The silver was old and hand carved into beautiful
links. The clasp was strong despite the age. But the emeralds. They were
a deep jungle green that caught the light, holding it tight within their
mysterious confines. The center stone was slightly larger than the two
flanking it and sat squarely on Mac’s wrist, its weight holding it center.
“You just wanted to vindicate a fellow Marine.”
“So what if I did? Isn’t that what you were trying to do with Captain
Boone?”
“Wasn’t the same, Mac. That was…”
“The same, Harm. It was just you instead of me, therefore different,
right?”
Harm sighed. “I don’t want to fight with you, Mac.”
Tired, hot, annoyed with the both of them, Mac asked, “Then what do
you want to do with me?” Did she really just say that? They had tapped
danced around each other since that near kiss. A day ago? Two? She couldn’t
remember.
They had given up on pretending nothing was happening between them but
had hoped that they could at least confine it to non-working hours. Convenient
times and places to try to distance themselves emotionally from their relationship,
as they would distance themselves from a case. That if they could dictate
their needs and wants, then they could control them.
“I want to give you this.” He finally said, pulling a stunning bracelet
from his suitcase.
Speechless, Mac could only stare. “You bought me jewelry?” Too much,
too much. It was too much. She wasn’t ready for this. Never had anyone
given her a piece of jewelry before and she never thought she’d feel like
this when someone did. Confused, thrilled, cherished, terrified.
Stuttering, she tried to hand it back. “H- Harm, I…can’t” Oh, but she
wanted to. But accepting meant that they had moved onto the next level,
and that move was too high, too big, too much.
He knew she was going to say that. Had talked himself out of buying
it for her half a dozen times, because of that. Because he was terrified
that giving this to her would move their relationship right on along. But
as soon as he saw it he knew.
Knew that it belonged only on her wrist.
There were tears pooling in her eyes that she refused to allow him to
see. Blinking the moistness back, she raised them. “Harm…it’s beautiful.
But…”
Taking the bracelet from her limp fingers he clasped it on her wrist.
Held onto her fingers slightly longer then necessary, waiting for the 16-ton
weight he was sure was about to fall on him.
When it didn’t, Harm tipped her face up so their eyes could meet, her
shocked ones to his pleading ones. “Please wear it. When I saw it…it reminded
me of you.” When she still said nothing, he said again, “Please.”
Mac smiled, nodded, too stunned to even wonder how he had found time
for shopping. “Thank you, Harm.”
Harm lowered his head, gently touching his lips to hers. “You’re welcome,
Mac.”
Just then there was a knock on the door. They jumped apart trying not
to look as guilty as they should as Mac said, “Enter.”
Bud stuck his head in, “Sir, Ma’am, we’re ready to leave.”
Harm nodded, “Thanks, Bud. We’ll be right there.”
Harm was surprised to find he was annoyed at that. It didn’t matter
that wearing it would have raised questions neither were ready to answer.
It only annoyed him more that she obviously realized that.
He stewed about it the entire plane ride, ignoring all attempts at conversation.
By the time he pulled into his apartment parking space, he was downright
angry.
Pausing only long enough to dump his bag and change, Harm raced to Mac’s
not really sure what he was going to say once he got there.
After looking through the peephole, she opened the door with a smile
on her face. And was rudely pushed into her apartment by an angry sailor.
“What the…” Mac started as Harm grabbed her wrist, holding it aloft.
“Are you ashamed of it?”
Confused, Mac shook her head. “What? Harm, what are you talking about?
Of course not, I love it, it’s beautiful.”
Yanking her wrist to bring her flush against him, he ground out, ignoring
her, “Afraid of the questions this bracelet raises? Or are you ashamed
of who gave it to you?” He was acting irrational, he knew, but was helpless
to stop it.
“What? Harm, what the hell are you talking about?” And then it dawned
on her.
“You think that because I didn’t wear it when we were leaving Columbia,
with my short sleeved summer uniform on, I might add, that I was somehow…ashamed?”
Pulling out of his arms, though he still held her wrist, she continued,
“Arrogant bastard. Think about it.” She tapped the side of his head with
her free hand. “Think about it, Harm. You know perfectly well why I couldn’t
have. Would you like me to wear it into JAG tomorrow and then proceed to
explain to the Admiral exactly why I’m wearing such a lovely, exquisite,
non-regulation piece of jewelry?”
Defeated, deflated, Harm suddenly let go of her wrist and sank onto
the couch. “I know, I know. It was irrational, it was stupid. But do you
always have to be so damn logical about everything?” Couldn’t you just
go with your feelings for once? Keep it light, Rabb, keep it easy. “Look,
I’m sorry. I don’t know what go into me. Stress, heat, lack of sleep, Webb.
Chalk it up to whatever you wish.” He gave her a crooked smile. “Forgive
me?”
Mac sighed, crossed over to him, curled onto his lap. She didn’t want
to fight with him, not when they were finally getting along so well; she
didn’t want to blow it. And she was tired, not just physically from their
assignment, but emotionally from trying to figure out what was happening
between her and her partner. “Yeah, I forgive you. But I still think you’re
an arrogant bastard.” She smiled as she said that, taking the sting out
of the words.
His lips caressed hers as he said, “Hmm, I’ll make it up to you.” And
resettled her on his lap as the passion, always right there under the surface,
exploded to the forefront.
Mac pulled him up, tugging at his clothes and throwing them onto the
floor. Gasped when his tongue traced the outline of her bra, dipping under
the lacy edges before divesting her of the material. She felt her fingers
tremble on his pants zipper when his mouth trailed lower, following the
path his hands already blazed.
Harm stripped them of the rest of their clothes as quickly as he could.
Crushing his mouth to hers, he sat back on the couch, wrapping her legs
around his waist and entered her in one swift thrust.
Mac could already feel herself climbing that peak even as Harm’s long
fingers rolled her swollen nub between them, manipulated her nipple, his
tongue doing delicious things to her ear. And then she felt herself falling,
swept over the crest, drowning in sensations she couldn’t even begin to
separate.
When she could breath again, think again, she opened her eyes to find
Harm looking at her. She didn’t understand the look on his face, couldn’t
make her brain operate enough to understand.
“You’re forgiven.” Mac smiled, wondering why she found it necessary
to keep it light, to remind herself that this was just sex, was nothing
more, could be nothing more.
Harm said nothing, just picked her up and carried her into her bedroom.
He wrapped his arms around her, pulling the comforter over them.
Hours later Harm woke, surprised to find himself still in her bed. Even
in Ireland when they had spent most of the weekend together, they had always
woken up in separate beds. They wanted no one to gossip about the two JAG
officers spending the night together. Late hours were easily explained,
finishing up the case notes, going over all that had happened while they
tried to find the Lieutenant’s baby.
Even at home, when no one would have known, neither had ever spent the
night, usually leaving well before first light. Less suspicion that way,
less questions, less… commitment.
Tugging back the blankets, he watched Mac sleep. Her hair was tousled
from his hands, her lips swollen from his lips. He hadn’t shaved
in almost two days, and he could tell where her soft skin was lightly abraded
from his cheeks.
The only thing she was wearing were her dogtags which lay across one
bare breast and the bracelet that had started the whole argument. One hand
was tucked under her chin, the other lay on her stomach, the bracelet laying
across pale gold skin. Her body glowed in the moonlight pooling around
her.
She looked ethereal, magical. Beautiful.
Quietly, Harm eased himself off the bed, his one thought to dress as
quickly as possible and leave. Get the hell out and run. Because all he
wanted to do was stay. Mac rolled over, placed a hand on his back. “Stay.”
She was half asleep when she said it. Harm was almost sure he could
leave and she wouldn’t remember her request. His mistake was in looking
over his shoulder. Eyes a deep luminous brown stared up at him. He was
drowning and could do nothing to stop it.
She stopped, corrected herself. “Well, actually, we did. It’s complicated.
There were two layers to our relationship, each separate from the other.
The first was our friendship and all the caring that went with that. He
was the first person I cared enough about to let into the fortress I called
my heart. The way we watched each other’s backs, joked, laughed, all those
sexual innuendoes, argued. It was more then I ever had with anyone else.
It made me feel young again, wanted, accepted.
“And then there was the Harm and Mac as lovers. We were totally different
people then. We talked, we joked. But it was different. Like if we said
too much, the wrong thing might come out. At the time I didn’t know what
the wrong thing was. But I guess I always did know. It just took me a while
to figure it out. We…I don’t know. I’m not making any sense, am I? We talked,
we did. But it was before, or after, long after, never while we were in
bed.”
Mac went into the kitchen in search of more water. Returning with two
filled glasses, she wandered to the window and continued. “Having sex with
someone requires only that you find the other person attractive and are
willing at act upon that attraction. Sleeping with someone, truly sleeping
with someone requires a very large degree of trust.”
Bud looked at him askance. Harm had a really bad habit of disassociating
himself from personal issues. “So…what happened?”
Harm opened and closed his mouth a few times. “Jealousy.”
They had both stayed.
“Mmm, don’t stop.” Mac stretched her back under Harm’s hand, moving
slightly to accommodate his touch as he extended his explorations in the
early morning light. They didn’t have to meet Detective Falcon for a few
more hours yet. She turned her head to look at him, smiling as he leaned
down to kiss her. She ran a hand over his hip, luxuriating in the feel
of his skin under her fingers, across his back to squeeze his butt.
Scooting closer Mac hooked a leg over his hip, grinding slightly into
his obvious arousal. “Have I ever told you how much I love your six, Flyboy?”
She rubbed her foot over said appendage.
Harm smiled at her, causing Mac’s knees to go weak. Good thing she was
laying down. “Oh, yeah?” He pulled her on top of him, setting her down
on top of his erection, groaned as he felt her inner muscles tighten around
him, bringing him deeper into her.
“What other parts of my body do you like, Marine?”
Mac threw her head back, arching her back which brought her breasts
closer to his clever hands. She began to move up and down, taking Harm
as deep inside her as humanly possible while his hands stroked her inner
thighs, up her stomach to play with her nipples, and back down again. What
was the question? “Hmm, well, there are those wonderful hands of yours,
such long fingers, ahh…” she trailed off, closing her eyes, losing her
train of thought as said fingers continued to move over her body.
“Um, your, ah, smile, it lights up an entire room. God, don’t stop,
Harm” His hands were now griping her waist, moving her faster over him
even as he thrust up to meet her. “Your legs, oh, yes, your legs. Long
and muscled….” She couldn’t concentrate any longer, couldn’t make her brain
function, didn’t want to.
“Harm!” She shouted as she felt herself fall over the edge, her climax
exploding through her. Harm flipped them over and thrust into her once,
twice, before following her over that edge.
They lay there for a long while, trying to regulate their breathing,
when Harm said, “You’re so beautiful, Mac.”
Startled, she looked at him. They hadn’t moved, and now Harm lifted
his weight onto his forearms, so as not to crush Mac.
“I’ve never told you that before, have I?” Mutely she shook her head,
no. Harm shifted his weight onto one arm and trailed a hand over her face,
lightly outlining it. “You are, you know, beautiful and smart, and funny.”
They both smiled at that, remembering their conversation from the other
day when she had told him, “I’m a funny lady.”
He lowered his head, touched his lips to hers. “Thank you.”
Puzzled, she broke the kiss. “For what?”
“For being here. For understanding. For being you.”
He began to move in her again, and it was a long time before they let
each other go.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
YOU ALWAYS HURT THE ONE YOU LOVE
By Allan Roberts and Doris Fisher
The one you shouldn't hurt at all
You always take the sweetest rose
And crush it till the petals fall
You always break the kindest heart
With a hasty word you can't recall - So
If I broke your heart last night, it's because I love you most of
all
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Mac’s Apartment
Twenty-six Days Before the Wedding
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1530 EST
Harm’s Apartment
Twenty-six Days Before the Wedding
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I guess to properly understand everything, I’d have to start at the
beginning. And the beginning for us was the Arizona desert and The Declaration
of Independence.” And they both remembered.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Permission to come aboard?”
“Permission, granted.”
********
Lt. Commander Harmon Rabb had been determined to ignore it. Whatever
it was. But he was going to ignore it, come Hell or high water. She looked
so much like…. But she wasn’t; the second she opened her mouth, he knew
she wasn’t. But she looked so much like…. He knew Bud knew. But the younger
officer wouldn’t say anything. The Admiral seemed to think that something
else was going on. And that was fine with Harm. Let the Admiral think whatever
he wanted to think. They wouldn’t be working together past this assignment.
“Permission, granted.”
*******
“You’re thinking again.” Mac said as she shifted in his arms, lifting
her head from his chest to look in his eyes. She could never figure out
what color they were, they changed with his emotions as quickly as the
wind changed directions. Blue, as blue as the Mediterranean on a crystal
clear day. Green as the rolling hills of Ireland. Or that tempest color,
blues and greens clashing, before a winter gale in the North Atlantic.
She trusted him, respected him, liked him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mac’s Apartment
Twenty-six Days Before the Wedding
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harm’s Apartment
Twenty-six Days Before the Wedding
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Unfortunately, Harriet, that didn’t happen. It was driving me crazy,
seeing him everyday, knowing what we did…what it was like when we were
together. I tried to ignore it, we had to work together, and it was best
if that…night didn’t get in the way. But it did.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I don’t know, Bud. I don’t know why we just didn’t ignore it from
the beginning. If we had, maybe things would have been different; maybe
it would have just gone away. Or maybe if we had done something about it,
talked, even acknowledged it…”
**************
Too used to keeping their emotions closed off, keeping themselves closed
off, protecting themselves from the hurt of their pasts, they had no idea
how to talk about what had happened. And there were rules, regulations
that had been broken by a night of such intense passion that both were
tempted to forget all about those restrictions and just enjoy.
*********************
“You know, this is wrong.” Mac said even as she angled her neck
to allow Harm better access and popped the last of the buttons, throwing
his shirt into a corner.
************
As it turned out, that weekend wasn’t enough, either. They tried. Oh,
how they tried. They walked onto their flight after seeing the Lieutenant
and her child off, so full of each other, determined to…get passed this
thing between them.
*************
“I never asked. Why the tattoo? I thought all Marines went for the
Corps insignia or something equally...” he was going to say obvious, but
stopped at her look. His hand traced the small symbol on her hip, outlining
it.
**************
“Come on, Marine! Let’s get going!” Harm called to her as he did one
final check on his beloved plane.
***********
What Harm knew was that they were in serious trouble. It wasn’t really
anyone’s fault; the line had split. Sometimes you just can’t control things,
sometimes accidents really do happen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harm’s Apartment
Twenty-six Days Before the Wedding
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mac’s Apartment
Twenty-six Days Before the Wedding
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mac’s Apartment
Twenty-six Days Before the Wedding
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Bud’s nod, Harm continued. “I can see it now for what it was. I
was scared. Scared of my feelings for Mac. Scared of telling her what I
felt. Or at the time was just beginning to feel. It’s hard letting go of
the past. Hard taking that step away from all that’s known and comfortable.
Into new and very frightening territory”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I tried to joke it off, tease him that holding me was like holding
a sister. A really stupid thing to say considering all that we had done.
He replied that he didn’t think of me that way. If anyone had heard us,
I doubt they would have understood the undertones of the conversation.
What I was really trying to say was that I knew… I knew he was thinking
that we should stop, end it. God, I thought that, too. I didn’t want to
need him. I didn’t want to be needed by him. And by saying he felt brotherly
towards me I meant that what he felt for me was friendly, but when he said
he didn’t feel that way, like a brother….” Mac trailed off, rubbing her
forehead as if she had a headache brewing there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harriet needed a drink. And wished fervently for a strong one. Taking
a sip of water that wasn’t nearly enough, she managed to choke out, “I
asked you! I asked you what happened that night. I saw the way you and
the – Harm were and asked you if there was anything going on between you!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bud was past the point of shock. Thank God he was numb. That way, when
Harm belted him for what was surely going to come out of his mouth as the
night went on, he’d feel none of it. “I cannot believe that you and…Mac
had been sleeping together all that time and I didn’t know about it! How
could you keep something like that a secret? Why would you want to? You
knew immediately when Harriet and I…” Bud trailed off, shook his head,
at a loss for words.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Mac came back into the living room carrying a bracelet. “Harm gave
this to me, four years ago when we were in Columbia.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mac smiled at Harm as they hurried to packed for their flight. They
only had an hour and twenty-three minutes to get to the airport. “See,
I told you that Corporal Cordova could be trusted. You should listen to
me more often, Sailor.”
************
She didn’t wear the bracelet.
**************
Mac was admiring the bracelet thinking that it really was a sweet gesture
on Harm’s part and that she would accept it and wear it in the spirit in
which it was given when a pounding on the door interrupted her revere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“He stayed that night. It was one of the few times either of us stayed.
Looking back I can see it was cowardly. Staying implied commitment. Commitment
implied trust. Trust was something we didn’t yet have in our personal lives.
We could trust each other in situations more dangerous, but we couldn’t
trust each other with our hearts. Trust, which as I said, we didn’t have.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harm pulled two more beer bottles from the refrigerator. Handing one
to Bud, he continued, “Things were going along pretty well for a while
there. Commitment on either side was anathema to the both of us, but we
managed. We didn’t want commitment. Well I thought we didn’t want commitment.
Both our personal and professional lives were staying on tract, and if
the occasional legal argument arose, it never interfered with our personal…activities.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I was angry that he hadn’t opened up to me about his father and he
was angry about Mark Falcon and that whole…fiasco.”
*************
They had, of course, gotten two rooms. That was for propriety, for
decorum. For the travel vouchers they had to hand into Tiner when they
returned. But they spent all of their nights together, only slipping into
their respective sleeping quarters before dawn to shower and change. Or,
as in most cases, just to change. The shower, they discovered their first
night, was big enough for the two of them.