Notes: Okay, this "line" was something that was actually said to me once and I though, "wouldn’t it be funny…" because, frankly, it makes me laugh every time I think of it. Plus, I couldn't resist a little Harm-bashing ... Anyway, I’m not sure if I’m going to be continuing this, because the characters are just not cooperating right now, but we’ll see.

In the past three years, during which my biological clock has gone haywire, I never thought I’d be happy to get my period, but my current feeling is one of unbelievable relief. I’m so overwhelmed right now that I can’t go back to my office. Instead, I head from the bathroom straight outside to sit at one of the tables and try to collect my thoughts. Instead, I end up sobbing uncontrollably. I’m trying to pinpoint exactly when my life became so completely and totally fucked up. I’m sitting there, wallowing in my own misery, when a handkerchief makes a sudden and unexpected appearance over my left shoulder. Oh god, I hope that is not the Admiral. He’s going to want to know what’s wrong, and he’s going to push, and I can’t tell him any of this.

“Mac, are you okay?” A voice asks. It’s not the Admiral. It’s Clayton Webb.

I just shake my head no. “What are you doing here, Webb?” I ask, sniffling.

“I had to meet with AJ about something. I needed some information ... Never mind. What’s wrong? Can I go inside and get someone for you?” I just start shaking my head no harder. “Mac, you’re kind of freaking me out here,” he says with a short, uncomfortable-sounding laugh.

“I’m sorry.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t know.” Actually, I do, but I can’t talk about it with anyone inside this building, I don’t have that many other friends that I could talk to about this, and I don’t know if Webb is the person to talk to, either. “Everything is just so screwed up. I don’t know what happened.”

“Mac, why don’t you come with me. We’ll get something to eat. It’s almost lunchtime.” I nod. He pulls a phone out and I hear him say, “Lieutenant Sims, Clayton Webb. I ran into Colonel MacKenzie outside, and I wanted to run something by her, so we’re going to lunch. ... I don’t know if she has her cell, but if not, you can reach me through Langley. I don’t actually know the number to this phone. It’s new. ... No, I’m not lying! Right.” He gently takes my arm to help me up, and we go to his car.

We end up at a Spanish tapas restaurant and sit outside. I’ve calmed down a little, but I can’t seem to stop crying.

“What do you want to eat?” he asks. I appreciate that he’s not pushing me.

“I don’t care, you pick.”

He orders for us, and I’ve finally calmed down enough to get my thoughts in order.

“All right.”

“Before you start, Mac, I want you to know that whatever you say won’t go any further.”

“Thanks, Webb, but since you never tell anybody anything, I kind of figured that.” It’s true, too. He’s the one person I know will be discrete. He gives me a look that makes me laugh, but I was being serious, in a way. He doesn’t want or need anything from me, and I figure he would never have walked up in the first place or asked me to lunch if he didn’t care at least on some level. “It’s a long story, and I need to start at the beginning. Okay, I don’t know if you were in town during the circus that was the Ensign Kingsley murder trial. Trial TV televised it, and I went up against one of my law professors.”

“Yeah, I was aware that it was going on.”

“Anyway, I had initially been avoiding the press, but Mic Brumby, my boyfriend <he nods>, must have put together some kind of press packet or something.” I can see Webb’s mouth twitching. I let out a little laugh myself, and he finally smiles. “He told People magazine we were engaged, when we were not. He gave them all sorts of personal information about me, which my boss then read to me, surprised as hell that he didn’t know any of it. And then a picture of me in a bikini shows up on some late-night television show. As if I wouldn’t know who took that photograph? It sure as hell wasn’t Rabb or Bud, and they were the only other ones … Anyway, he did all of this when he knew I don’t like that kind of attention. I’ve worked really hard to get to where I am and to gain respect, and then he makes sure all of American has access to a picture of me in a bikini. It was a total invasion of privacy, not to mention humiliating, particularly since Juanita kept telling anyone who would listen that she told me, in front of our entire class, that I should have gone into lap dancing. The whole thing was just so mortifying!”

“Juanita sounds like a total bitch, but what would possess Mic to do that?”

“I don’t know. I gave him the boot, and he got really pissed when I wouldn’t let him explain. I keep asking myself why I agreed to wear his ring, why I stayed with him even though he kept making major life decisions affecting me without consulting me. Why I let him control me.”

“Why did you?”

“Geez, Webb, you ask all the hard questions. I wasn’t being honest with myself, I was lonely, and there was a humiliating rejection that preceded my being with Mic, which I don’t even want to get into. But this is only background.” We get our food and start eating.

“Well, since that trial took place, what, two months ago, I figured there must be more.”

“Right. After sentencing, which was maybe four and a half weeks after the verdict, Harm threw a party to celebrate my defeat of Juanita.”

“I gather the press circus had died down a little by that time?”

“Yeah. I wasn’t even trying to encourage the party in the first place, and, looking back, I think part of it was his own personal celebration that I had sent Mic packing, which he didn’t know for probably two weeks, around the time this party started getting planned. They’ve been in competition over me for quite some time. Anyway, everyone but me drank too much, and everyone there was part of a couple, except Harm and I. His latest, Renee, was out of town, or maybe she’s history. I don’t know. There was just so much sexual tension in the air, and you could just tell everyone was leaving to go home and screw their brains out. To tell the truth, Mic was never all that satisfying, and it had been a while anyway because of that trial. I ... well, I was horny.”

Clay raises his eyebrow at that and says, “Well, we all have needs.” I can tell he is trying hard not to laugh, and I have to smile.

“I think I must be shocking the hell out of you. I’m well aware that many men think I’m a frigid bitch.” I say, and he just gives me a look. “So, anyway, like I said, everyone but me had been drinking, including Harm, and I had waited until everyone had left, because I just didn’t want to see everyone holding hands and being all lovey dovey on the way to their cars, and I thought I’d help clean up. We picked up, and I told Harm I’d take the trash out. I remember that I had my keys in my hand, and my hand on the bag of trash when he stopped me. He looked me straight in the eye and said,” and here I start laughing “‘c’mon stay I’ll make it worth your while.’”

Webb had just taken a drink of water, and he starts laughing hysterically, spitting the water out, luckily onto the ground. Of course, we attracted everyone’s attention. Finally, he sputters, “He DID NOT actually say that.”

“I could not make that up. Come on! In my defense, here, I did actually laugh when he said it. But, like I said, I was horny, and I had been waiting for so long for him to make a move. That’s a whole other long story, but, anyway, one thing led to another. And, Webb, it wasn’t worth it.”

This sets him off all over again, and he’s actually crying, he’s laughing so hard. “Webb, he was not only selfish but he was not skilled. I mean, although I had anticipated it being just fucking, he didn’t even make sure I was ready or anything.” Webb sort of holds his hand up even though he’s shaking with laughter. “I’m sorry, too much information. But I can’t imagine how he’s kept all these girlfriends over the years. And, really, even though one might think that he might be, uh, well-hung, he’s really not. It was the worst sex I’ve ever had. Ever. Even including high school. We’ve been pretending it never happened.”

“Are you sure it wasn’t alcohol related?”

“I’m sure the brotherhood appreciates that attempt at an excuse, but honestly, I don’t think so. He wasn’t all that drunk, just buzzed enough to finally make a move. Anyway, he fell asleep right away, thank god. I went and showered, then waited for like another hour, and roused him to tell him I was going.”

“Ouch.”

“Well, and then this past week I have been late, and I thought I might have been pregnant. I mean, I’m on the pill, but I had an ear infection so I had taken antibiotics that I had finished sometime in the week the party took place. And I want kids, but when I thought that evening might have resulted in a pregnancy, I just wanted to die. But, I found out today that I’m not, and I was just so relieved, and everything just came crashing in on me all at once and that’s when you found me. All of the stress I’ve had lately must have made me late. I know you now know more than you ever wanted to, but I appreciate you listening. I just don’t know how I let my life get so fucked up and out of control.”

He reaches over and takes my hand. “Mac. Sarah. We all have our moments. Just this morning I was giving serious consideration to hiring an escort to go to this stupid embassy function I have to go to tonight. It’s work-related, and it’s a Catch-22. I’m less conspicuous if I have a date, but you can’t bring a date to thing like that if you’re not going to pay attention to her. Anyway, I’m sure even someone who was getting paid would get bored with my lack of attention and leave.” There’s a long pause, and I can tell that he just let his guard down. “And if you tell anyone I just said that, I’ll dredge up that bikini photo again and post it all over the D.C. metropolitan area with your phone number.” I think he’s only half-joking about that.

“I find that a little hard to believe, Webb. Can’t any female agents go with you? Don’t you arrange for that sort of thing? And couldn’t you explain to your date that you have to spend some time on work?”

“Well, they’re sort of on strike. As far as I’m concerned. And since I can’t seem to get past the first date lately, I don’t think having the first date at one of those things would be conducive to a second date.” He sort of mumbles this.

“What did you do to the women you work with?” I decide to let him off the hook with respect to the other thing that he said.

“Well, Samatha Tilden was assigned to one of these things, and she asked me to go with her. I was in the middle of something and was apparently kind of short with her, and now they won’t cooperate.” “Didn’t you apologize?”

“They hold a grudge.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“Yes, Mac, I apologized. I explained what I was doing, but she’s still pissed off. You know, please forget I said any of this. It’s a little humiliating, and now it’s kind of a joke at the office.”

“Well, I’ll go to the party with you if you want. I can be an extra pair of eyes, but you need to feed me well in exchange.”

“How about La Colline?”

“Deal.”

“You do realize it’s tonight?”

“I have an appropriate dress, I’m sure. What time are you picking me up?”

“7:30?”

Our food finally comes. “All right. I’ll be ready, and, don’t worry, your secret is safe with me. But are you sure you are meeting the right kind of women?”

“Well, relationships are a little difficult when you have to lie about your job, and you disappear for long periods of time without explanation and with little opportunity for calling. Anyway, I knew all this when I signed on. But I’m swearing off women for a while.”

“Wow, this food is really good. Webb – Clayton -- if you need to, you can call me and if I can, I’ll go to these things with you. As long as it isn’t like every night or something. And I get more than four hours’ notice.”

“Thanks, Mac.” I get a genuine smile from him.

“So, will we go to La Colline afterwards or some other night?”

“Let’s find out,” he says, taking out his cell phone and getting up. He’s back about a minute later. “Tonight at 10. Is that too late?”

“Not for La Colline.”

We finish eating, and I snag the check before Webb can. “I really appreciate you listening to me, Webb.”

“No problem. And I promise that, as difficult as it will be for me not to publicly humiliate Rabb with this new information I have, I’ll keep my mouth shut.”

“And I don’t remember anything that you told me,” I assure him as we walk to the car.

“I greatly appreciate your sudden and inexplicable memory loss.”

He drops me off at the gate and says, “See you at 7:30.”

Wow, I feel so much better, but I stop by the bathroom to make sure my makeup is not everywhere, something I wish I’d thought to do while sitting outside, in public, on the sidewalk. I would hope Webb would have said something if I had mascara down my cheeks, but he is a man, after all.

As I’m on my way to my office, I quickly calculate when I need to leave to be ready by 7:30, and I run into Harm. Shit “Harm, I’m sorry, I was doing math in my head, and I guess it took all my concentration.” Okay, a very bad joke.

“Mac, can I talk to you?” Oh, crap. But if this about THAT NIGHT, I think we need to get it over with sooner rather than later.

“Sure.” I lead the way into my office and shut the door.

“This about the night of your celebration party.”

“Yeah. Sit down.” I go behind my desk.

“How come you haven’t said anything?”

“I could ask you the same question, Harm. But I think it wasn’t a good idea. We aren’t supposed to get involved, and it can’t happen again.”

“But it was so nice, Mac. I think I’d like to do it again.” ‘Oh my God.’ I have to dig my fingernails into my knees to keep from laughing, and it only gets worse when I picture Webb’s reaction.

“Um.” I have to control myself. I force myself to think about the war in Bosnia to get myself under control. “Harm, I shouldn’t have given in.”

“But you were the one who threw herself at me in Sydney.”

“Harm, I realize that, but I just broke up with Mic. It was stupid of me to get involved with you so quickly. I’m really sorry. And what about Renee. Are you still seeing her?”

He doesn’t answer my question but says, “Well, Mac, I understand. I just thought we should talk about it.” He’s still seeing Renee, I just know it. I need to talk to Harriet. Just then, my phone rings.

“MacKenzie.” It’s Webb, telling me he’s going to be e-mailing me some information and to please look it over before the evening. “Okay, Webb, I’ll review that stuff and I’ll see you later.”

“What the hell does he want?” Harm asks, rather rudely.

“I’m doing him a favor.”

“Not a good idea.”

“He did one for me. Anyway, listen, I’m really sorry about that evening. You had been drinking, and I should have just gone home.”

“I wasn’t drunk. But all right. And we’ll keep it in between us.” He gets up, and I come around my desk to give him a peck on the cheek. He really is a very good looking man. Who I never want to sleep with again.

After he’s gone, I ask Harriet to come in, and she confirms that he and Renee are still seeing each other. What a prick. I thought he was a little more honorable than that, but I guess that this fits with his normal m.o. as far as I’m concerned, keeping me waiting in the wings. And, really, if he wanted me so badly again, why didn’t he say something before now?

I shake my head and look over the information and photos Webb sent for our foray into the Indonesian Embassy, and I finish preparing for a sentencing hearing to take place tomorrow. I end up running a little behind, and I have to rush to get ready, but I’m just stepping into my shoes when there is a knock on the door.

“Wow,” Webb says as I open the door. I’m wearing the same thing as I did to the Surface Warfare Ball.

“Thanks. You clean up nice,” I say as I grab my wrap. We head out, and he reviews some key information with me. The visit to the embassy apparently yields some good information, although I am a little unclear about the relevance of it. I actually don’t mind playing the Barbie doll tonight. The more vapid I pretend to be, the less I’m noticed, and the more freely people seem to talk. Plus, it seems to entertain Webb. It’s sort of interesting, actually. By the time my stomach starts growling at 2100, which Webb notices, we’re done with what we need to do.

“Didn’t you eat a snack or something?” He asks as he takes my elbow to lead me out of the party.

“I didn’t have time. I had to review your stuff, prepare for a sentencing hearing, and have a TALK with Harm, who cornered me right after I got back.”

“Ouch. So. What happened?” I can tell he is just dying of curiosity, and we’re outside and alone at this point.

“Well, first of all, he is still seeing Renee, keeping me in backup mode, apparently. But he said it was really nice and he’d like to do it again. I was digging my fingernails into my skin to keep from laughing, and all I could picture in my mind was your reaction to my story at lunch. Anyway, I managed to tell him that we couldn’t without having to tell him he was the worst lover I ever had. My god, even losing my virginity was more pleasurable.”

He starts laughing again. “Webb. I mean, Clay, I’ve never seen you like that. You were laughing so hard.”

“I’m sorry. It’s not funny, from your perspective, but Rabb always seemed like such a player. I mean, think of how many guys who model themselves after him would be totally shattered by this news.”

“Unless they don’t see what the problem was. I mean, I can’t believe Harm was that clueless. I didn’t even fake an orgasm for him.” Clay starts laughing hysterically again, and he knocks his head as we get
into the limo.

“God, I’m sorry. I’ve just never seen you like this, laughing like this. It’s actually quite entertaining.”

“I can’t even remember the last time I laughed like this.” We make our way to La Colline, and we have a nice dinner. He and I exchange increasingly exaggerated and somewhat ridiculous stories about our exploits overseas, calling each other on the more extraordinary details. It’s kind of nice to be in a situation like this with a man, since we’ve both sworn off members of the opposite sex for the time being. There’s no pressure whatsoever, and I’m very pleased that the day turned out well in light of the way it began.

Continue to The Fortune Cookie and the Strange Story of Juan Llorga